A fresh, hip reimagining of the Legendarium will have audiences rolling in the aisles
By Greg Waldock, Staff Writer
Adam Sandler, renowned for such beloved classics as Jack and Jill and Pixels, is turning his creative eye to the colossal history of the Tolkien universe.
The Silmarillion, as famous for its beauty and complexity as it is infamous for basically being a boring history textbook, has never been adapted to film or television, making it bold new territory for the comedian. The first film in the project is slated for a late 2018 release, allowing a full six months of production.
According to Sandler’s Twitter, the new trilogy will pay homage to the source material by being broken up into the three sections of the book. Ainulindalë will cover the creation of the universe and the corruption of the Ainur Melkor and will be renamed Even Gods Make Mistakes! Sandler will play the loving creator of existence Eru Illúvatar, and Kevin Hart will play his lazy younger brother Dave. They’ll argue together, fight together, and ultimately work together to help the race of the Ainur become the gods of the new universe… and they might even learn a thing or two about the importance of taking it easy.
The second film will be based on the Quenta Silmarillion, the collected wisdom of the most ancient elves regarding the creation of the beautiful Silmaril gems and their tragic role in the darkening of the Earth and the creation of sin. The movie will be called Hot Like Fëanor and will revolve around the zany Noldor Bros, the seven sons of crotchety old genius elf-wizard Fëanor. As per Sandler’s Twitter: “The evil god Melkor has stolen their fathers’ greatest invention: The three Silmarils! The Noldor Bros reluctantly band together to steal them back, but uh oh—Melkor fled to Middle Earth, a land of trolls, giant spiders, and maybe even… a Legolas cameo?! The brothers will have to learn the true value of brotherly love if they have any hope of saving their family jewels.”
Akallabêth is set long after the sons of Fëanor started a chain of wars and suffering that led to the destruction of the world and the sundering of heaven from the earth. This tested poorly with market audiences, so instead the third film in the trilogy will be a hijinks-filled family-friendly adventure about the elves, dwarves, and humans of the world and how they put up with the wild, hilariously out-of-control Noldor Bros in The Fresh Princes of Beleriand.
Adam Sandler’s production company is also hoping to turn Of Beren and Luthien into a rom-com starring himself and Megan Fox. This comes as Sandler works to secure rights to a Netflix series based on the traumatic World War One experiences JRR Tolkien suffered through, eventually leading him to write an optimistic and poignant fantasy series that would lend hope to the lives of millions around the world. It will star Adam Sandler and Bill Murray, with Evangeline Lily as the beautiful object of their affection… and the center of the Great War’s most awkward love triangle.