Bullies ready to swing again in your hometown

‘We peaked in high school’

By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor

Sources say local high school bullies all across Canada were excited to see their ex-victims home for the holiday season.

“I’m so excited to see all of those nerds again,” Cole McArthur, 28, told Other Press reporters as he stood by his dented Ford-150. “It really is the most wonderful time of the year.”

McArthur, like other residents of Nanaimo who never left their hometown for work, school, or travel, relished the opportunity to push around people physically smaller than him.

“I feel like I can finally let loose by being a dick to everyone who wasn’t on the football team in high school,” said McArthur, who has two DUIs and works for his father’s construction company.

Other Nanaimoites, like Jenny Thompson, 25, looked forward to seeing former classmates in the same Quality Foods she had worked in for her entire life.

“I can’t wait to see that little bitch Elizabeth Ortiz,” Thompson said, holding a clearly counterfeit Michael Kors bag. “How dare she move away to a town full of art and culture that her small-town life couldn’t provide. If she had any dignity she would stay in Nanaimo, marry a mill worker, and die a kilometre away from her childhood home like the rest of us, that stuck-up bitch.”

Samuel Lloyd, founding member of Nanaimo District Secondary School’s computer animation club, was eager to take time off from his job as a structural engineer in Toronto to see his friends and family back home.

“It’ll be nice to see my mom and dad,” Lloyd said on a conference call before his private flight back to the West Coast. “I haven’t seen them since I got back from my vacation in the Bahamas. It’ll be a bit strange to be back in Nanaimo, but I think it’s about time.”

“Lloyd? Yeah, he was such a loser. All him and his loser friends did was poke around at their dumbass computers. I bet he’s still a virgin,” said McArthur, spitting tobacco juice directly onto the floor of the Starbucks where the interview was being conducted. “I can’t wait to give him a noogie.”

“I don’t remember Cole,” Lloyd said into his iPhone 9 protype that Apple released just for him. “Was he that quarterback that got arrested for selling seventh graders weed? What even happened to him?”

Thompson said the thing she looked forward to the most was shooting Ortiz a scathing look over top of the wooden apple cart that was handcrafted for Quality Foods at the same time she had started working there (approximately 2008). “She was so weird in high school. I bet she won’t even show her face around here this Christmas. Serves her right for not straightening her hair every day and wearing low-rise jeans like everybody else.”

Ortiz was busy being the Entertainment Editor for a paper in the city and was unavailable for comment.