‘I’m really excited to be this company’s final nail in the coffin’ says Clark
By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor
In a press conference last week, Shaw announced that Christy Clark, well-known money collector and former BC premier, has joined the company’s board of directors. This choice reflects Shaw’s recent announcement to “quite literally run our company into the ground before anyone else does.”
“We’re aware that people see us as a soulless, decaying company. We’ve read the reviews, the hate mail, and especially the hate mail sent by owl,” CEO of Shaw Communications, Bradely Shaw, told the press last week. “They think they can ruin us through boycotts, bad reviews, and switching providers, but we’ll show them by ruining ourselves first.”
Shaw then reportedly slammed his fists on the podium, startling the 17 Dobermans he had brought with him.
Last year, Shaw began implementing a 10-point plan to ruin their own business “before the commoners do,” as stated by Shaw. The list includes actions such as refusing to separate from the current Canadian telecom oligarchy, steadily raising their prices while lowering the quality of their service, and treating their employees like soulless machines before replacing them with actual machines.
“We’re so happy to have Christy Clark join us,” Shaw told reporters. “To bring someone on board that has great ideas like shutting down an entire bridge to do yoga—on National Aboriginal Day, no less—will really double the speed towards our ultimate destruction.”
“I’m proud to be part of Shaw Communications,” Christy Clark told reporters during Shaw’s press conference. “This company holds such important Canadian values; like providing overpriced, shoddy Internet service.”
It’s also been reported that, due to her confidence in her ability to ruin Shaw, Clark has already lined up other jobs for 2019 such as working as the head of Comcast’s customer service and helping the new Vancouver mayor think of ways to make poor people feel uncomfortable.
During the press conference, Shaw refused to answer any real questions from the press, and instead choosing to ramble on about how great Christy Clark was.
“I mean, wow,” said Shaw. “The Nestlé controversy? When she was helping to sell a huge amount of our country’s water for pennies on the dollar? When Canada had its own water shortages? Her disregard for this nation really fits in with our values here at Shaw.”
Clark also refused to answer reporter’s questions, instead choosing to continuously high-five Shaw throughout the conference. This continued until Shaw’s dogs became so agitated by the clapping that they began fighting each other before turning on the media, barking and biting reporters. Over 12 people were injured, with Clark and Shaw walking away unscathed after to using two reporters as human shields.