Clown unemployment rises

Performers suffering as demand for clowns decreases

By Carlos Bilan, Staff Writer

“The unemployment rate of clowns is rising,” Chuckie Twist, head of the Clown Studies department at the UBC, said at a Sunday press conference.

“We blame those scary clown sightings. How can a Halloween fad cause this much damage? We have also experienced an increasing rate of drop-outs in our courses. We offer one of most prestigious programs in the world. Even the circus has experienced a lot of empty seats,” Twist said, as he started to cry. “I’m sorry. I just can’t contain my emotions. I used to be funny, but now I just feel shitty.”

One of our reporters, Ava Menura, encountered one casualty of this international dilemma yesterday morning in Maple Ridge. Joey Smith, who was dressed up as a clown, was seen crying at the bus stop.

“It’s all those stupid internet videos’ fault. The so-called killer-clowns have been giving us normal clowns a bad rep. Now, no one wants to hire us!” Smith said angrily. Menura consoled the once-happy clown until he calmed down.

“I’m Bongo the clown. Kids used to love me,” Smith told Menura, smiling sadly.

As Menura was interviewing the clown, a passing kid shouted: “Hey! It’s no longer Halloween, dumbass! Stop terrorizing our neighbourhood!” The clown burst into tears.

Seeking more input on this anti-clown trend, Menura asked people who were passing by the bus stop what they thought of clowns.

“I think clowns are funny as long as they don’t go near me,” Andy Samuels, an eight-year-old kid, said to Menura.

His seven-year-old sister, Angela, said “I love clowns! I had one during my birthday party. His name was Potsy, and he made my friends laugh! He also made some really nice animals from balloons!”

“I was in my room the entire time,” Andy replied. “Never ask mum and dad for a clown again, please.”

Angela retorted, “They’re people, Andy! Grow up! They just want you to be happy.”

Their mother, Demietra Samuels said, “My daughter loves clowns. Her brother hates them. But I can see how those viral videos can send the wrong message.”

Nine-year-old Sid Phillips, who was wearing a KISS shirt, said, “Clowns are awesome! It is my favourite movie. I actually want to be a clown when I grow up. I wish I was part of the clown craze. Pennywise is my favourite clown.”

His father, Josh Phillips, who is an accountant, said, “My son here loves clowns. I just wish he realized how hard it is out there and that there’s no progress in that career path.”

Cole Ruffo, a student who studies psychology at Simon Fraser University, said, “I already have a phobia of clowns, so that clown craze just made me more afraid of them. I’m probably going to need to file a restraining order protecting me from—” Ruffo then noticed Smith and screamed, “Ah! Is that a clown? Get away from me! I’m calling 911!”

“It looks like I will have to consider a change in my career. I was thinking of pursuing a job as a Christmas elf. I know it will go against my values of being anti-capitalist, since I will be working for a fat rich white man and never get the recognition I deserve. I’ll only be his worker, after all. Kids remember Santa, but not the elves.” Bongo began to weep again. “But I really need a job. I have a family to feed. I might even sell my juggling balls or just send them to a children’s charity. Actually, I will probably do that. Maybe get me some good karma points. Maybe people will like me again.”