‘I’m not crying, you’re crying,’ cool guy told the ‘Other Press’
By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor
The Other Press would like to apologize on our inaccurate reporting of last week’s event involving local Vancouver cool guy, Jack Harris. Despite several reports we have confirmed that Harris did not trip and fall in front of Solly’s Bagels on Main Street.
“I appreciate the concern,” stated Harris. “But, frankly, I am tired of the allegations. I have to come right out and say it: These witnesses did not see what they thought they saw.”
Several witnesses state that Harris was seen quickly exiting Solly’s Bagels holding a bag of bagels last Friday at 3 p.m. According to the accounts, he tripped in a crack in the sidewalk about two meters away from the door. He, along with his bagels, dropped onto the sidewalk. Many witnesses reported that Harris seemed to have twisted his ankle upon landing, based on the fact that they heard him yell “Ow, my ankle!” Harris then quickly got up, looked around, and then limped towards the direction of the SkyTrain.
“I understand how to the untrained eye it would have seemed that I tripped and fell,” stated Harris. “I was actually just doing a new exercise. It makes sense no one knows about it yet; not everyone can be ‘with it’ all the time.”
According to Harris, he was taking part in a new exercise routine that has a name too sacred to reveal to non-members.
“It’s the newest thing in Eastern Europe, particularly in places where you can’t look up whether or not they are doing it, or if it’s a thing,” stated Harris. “It’s an exercise that involves buying some food, purposefully falling to the ground, and then letting the food you just bought also fall to the ground. You then run as fast as you can away from everyone’s judgmental eyes. It’s really a beautiful commentary on capitalism. I can understand if you don’t get it—it’s pretty deep.”
When asked about his ankle, Harris stated that his sprain was also part of it. “This exercise is extremely hardcore. They really want your mind and body to suffer. Only the coolest of the cool can do it, and that’s why yours truly was given the gift of this beautiful workout.”
Unfortunately, his statements did not satisfy the bagels Harris dropped on the ground during the incident. Despite this new information the bagels have refused to change their own accusations.
“I know what I saw,” the bagels told the Other Press. “We heard Jack cry about people looking at him after falling. He’s not fooling anybody!”