Diary of an accidental American

Photo by Analyn Cuarto

Photo by Analyn Cuarto

How life has changed for us since our bus broke down

By Cawten I. Joe, Stranded Bus Passenger

 

Day 1

 

We were on the way home to Vancouver, BC, from Portland, OR. It has been 12 hours since our Spark Bus broke down on the side of the road.

We were only a few exits away from crossing the Canadian border, but the engine overheated and the bus refused to move. Our driver said that the problem would be fixed in a few hours. She told us she would walk up the freeway for better reception, but she never came back.

My phone has died, as I foolishly used it to stream movies on the crappy bus WiFi without concurrently charging it.

Our snacks are limited, and there are no gas stations nearby.

 

Day 3

 

The bus has gone cold, so we are wandering into the woods to build shelter. We are far from civilized America—instead, we pass old “Make America Great Again” signs that once stood on the lawns of rural Washington residents.

One passenger from the bus limps. Earlier, she tripped over a tree root and fractured her foot. I wish I could help her, but there is no free healthcare in the land of the free. I have no more US dollars, but I do have pennies. God, why do these people still have pennies?

We stumble across an abandoned cabin in the woods. There is no food here, just a closet full of guns. The guns make me uneasy, but perhaps they can be used to hunt dinner if we become so desperate.

 

Day 10

 

Life in the cabin is quaint and quiet. To be honest, who needs Canada?

We have figured out how to hook the cable up to the TV, and we have someone working on getting WiFi. For now, our only entertainment is Fox News. You know, I scoffed at Fox News back when I was a Canadian, but now I don’t mind it as much.

We still have no clue where we are, and that won’t change until we get the Internet going. Thankfully, I have been able to use these guns to hunt us some critters to eat. I didn’t think I would enjoy possum so much!

Some of the passengers are complaining about still waiting to be rescued by the Spark Bus company. Now, this is just my opinion, but I think they need to understand that you can’t just expect people to hand out rescue missions to you. This is America. If you want something, you gotta work for it.

 

Day 30

 

These damn snowflakes are using the Internet to pass their liberal bullshit. They should be using the Internet to watch pornography!

Not only that, they want to take away my guns! Since when is 52 guns too many to have? I gotta protect my land and feed myself, and how will I do that without 52 unregistered guns?

Many of the Spark Bus passengers have left for Canada after getting an Internet connection. Let ‘em! They can be weak while their government makes itself poor by handing out hospitals and censored speech. I’ll take my free speech over that any day! If I wanted to be a damn commie, I would have moved to Cuba. I’m glad we got a president who’ll tell it like it is!

I think this’ll be the last entry in this damn diary. Diaries are for lefties, and it’s distracting me from building my outhouse and shouting slurs at the homosexuals, feminazis, immigrants, and anyone who has a different skin color than me and my own.

Screw you all, and God Bless America!

The Other Press

The Other Press, Douglas College's student newspaper since 1976. Articles, insight and updates from the New West and Coquitlam campuses.

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