‘I left immediately after,’ says partygoer
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
What began this Sunday as a cheerful union of families quickly turned sour. Marianne Brownstone, family matriarch and winner of “Best Fruit Pie” in the annual Comox Valley Exhibition, reportedly killed the vibes at a party.
“Murdered it in cold blood,” Marianne’s son Jeremy Brownstone, 22, is reported to have said.
Guests were engaging in small talk and niceties when, apropos of nothing, Marianne announced, “This might be Grandma Joan’s last Christmas,” in a decibel well above speaking level.
“Grandma Joan definitely heard,” Jeremy added.
Friends and family members came from as far as Toronto to celebrate the upcoming nuptials of Michael Brownstone and Stephanie Brinkley. After a sumptuous dinner of smoked ham and scalloped potatoes, the two families retreated to the living room where Marianne dealt the final blow.
Brinkley was inconsolable at the time of the interviews. “We were just talking about how excited everyone was to start planning the bridal shower,” she told reporters tearfully. “Then Marianne swung in. Grandma Joan isn’t even my grandmother. This is the first time I’ve met her!”
Here Brinkley paused to blow her nose.
“And,” she sobbed, “it might be the last!”
“I don’t even know who she was talking to,” said David Brownstone, husband of Marianne and father of Michael and Jeremy. “It certainly wasn’t me. I was talking to Pete about going skiing in the new year. I don’t think she was saying it to anyone in particular. Joan is my mother, too. We’ve been married for over 20 years and she’s never been close with my mom at all. I tell you, it really killed the vibe.”
Jeremy, a second-year medical student at UBC, gave a final statement to the press.
“I was really psyched to take a ferry and drive two hours to get here and talk to cousins that I have nothing in common with,” David told Other Press reporters. “Not to mention stare at all the food that I, as a vegan, couldn’t eat. But the cherry on top of the non-dairy sundae was being reminded of the cruel passage of time. It really helped put things in perspective, like one day my own parents will suffer the same fate as Grandma Joan. Always nice to come back and see the fam!”
Grandma Joan, surprisingly spry, came of her own accord to speak to reporters.
“I don’t know why she brings that up every dinner, especially within earshot. I live a very full and exciting life. I’m currently seeing two gentlemen, I have a bowling league, and I host a bridge club every Friday night. Suzanne has a card for medical marijuana, so you know we like to get rowdy!”
Marianne offered a tearful apology, sloshing a large glass of wine in her left hand. “I’m sorry if I ‘brought the mood down,’ everybody. I didn’t know caring was such a crime. I just try and do my part as a mother of two and a loving wife. I’m sorry if that made everybody upset. By the way, Uncle Greg isn’t looking so good, and he had a nasty cough at the party. He should really go to the doctor sooner rather than later. Prostate cancer runs in the family, you know.”