By Liam Britten, Chief Right-Wing Lunacy Editor

In a move that has sent shockwaves through provincial politics across the nation, the Alberta provincial election ended with the most right-wing option not winning, somehow.

The Wildrose Party, headed by Danielle Smith, dubbed “the Sarah Palin of Canada” was seeking to end over 40 years of Progressive Conservative (PC) rule in the province. Featuring a roster of candidates that counted anti-abortion activists, homophobic preachers, climate change-deniers, and outright racists within their ranks, the party seemed to be a shoo-in for Canada’s most reactionary province.

Yet, it wasn’t to be. And research and polling after the fact is revealing that many Albertans, shockingly, were actually put off by the over the top views held by the Wildrose Party.

“I consider myself a conservative, definitely,” said St. Albert resident Graham McGraw. “I believe taxes of any sort are basically slavery, life begins at conception, and I really don’t like the idea of foreigners living around here. But those Wildrose folks… they just seem kind of crazy, you know?”

Political scientists are flabbergasted that a political party like Wildrose couldn’t win in a province like Alberta. With veiled and explicit hints towards the practical elimination of the provincial government machinery and the return to a system of extreme laissez faire capitalism not seen since the 1920s, it would seem as though they had tapped into the very soul of the average Albertan. However, something simply didn’t click between the party and voters.

Professor Donald Barry of the University of Calgary has several theories as to why this was the case.

“First of all, the party was branded by the media as a bunch of raving, far-right lunatics who planned on basically crippling government’s ability to do anything. The party said that wasn’t the case—and ultimately, that was their mistake. They should have embraced that extremist cred and run with it. That would have been bold,” he said.

Barry also mentioned that the Wildrose Party may have also made a mistake by forgetting that Alberta also has non-white voters.

Some Candidates for the Wildrose Party

Who exactly were the candidates of the Wildrose Party, and what did they stand for? We examine a few here:

Rick Strankman

Drumheller-Stettler

The son of a family oil drillers, Strankman not only opposes all environmental regulations on Alberta’s oil and gas sector, but also proposed a bill for the Legislature calling for oil to be renamed “Jesus Sweat.”

Joe Anglin

Rimbey-Rocky Mountain House-Sundre

Anglin is part of the so-called “left wing” of the Wildrose Party, as he only favours capital punishment for 38 crimes, seven of which are misdemeanours.

Drew Barnes

Cypress-Medicine Hat

Barnes once called television “Satan’s Puppet Show” and called for everything beginning with the letter “Y” to be outlawed.

By Liam Britten the First, By Grace of God, Humour Editor

Queen Elizabeth II turned 86 years young last week, and the U.K. Government found themselves in a troublesome spot most of us are familiar with: what do you get the monarch in your life for her birthday when she has everything?

Unchecked, arbitrary, dictatorial power over 62 million-plus people, it turns out.

That’s what the Queen received this year for her birthday. For one day, April 21st, the government allowed her to rule “as if it were the good old days,” holding the power of life and death over every citizen in the land (or “subject,” as they were known that day). Her word was law, and if anyone didn’t like it, it was a quick beheading for them, with their entrails left to rot in the sun outside the old London walls as a warning to anyone else getting funny ideas.

Although she was only given power for 24 hours, Her Majesty made the most of her special day. By noon, Catholics had been forbidden from public life. Later, war was declared against the Spanish and their fleet. By nightfall, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia were made colonies once more, and, in a brilliant move, the Queen dissolved Parliament, and gave herself more days as effective dictator—the classic “wishing for more wishes” manoeuvre.

Remarkably, the Queen’s re-taking of power in her kingdom has caused the British economy to soar to new heights within weeks. The United Kingdom, seen recently as a poor nation to invest in, has seen many once-dormant industries recover to pre-17^th century levels, especially bloodletting and searching for the elusive Northwest Passage. Unemployment has been virtually eliminated as all Britons have been given jobs in the new feudal economy; 59,990,000 have been hired as pathetic, ignorant serfs, and the remaining 10,000 have been given jobs as fat, lazy, corrupt landowners and royal officials. According to The Financial Times, the most in-demand jobs for the new Tudor economy will be man-at-arms, sycophantic court busybody, and village idiot.

The return to hereditary rule was applauded by most Britons. People on the street saw it as a return to traditional, British values: decisiveness, strength, and extreme xenophobia towards continental Europe.

However, not everyone is on board with the Queen ending her rule as figurehead. There have been reports from town criers across the land that leprosy is rampant, for example.

Fortunately, the Queen has declared all such news to be typical French lies, and has ordered all those spreading such nonsense to be drawn and quartered. Yippie! Yah-boo! God save the Queen!

Edited By Liam Britten, Humour Editor

Roberto Luongo (Image via Canucks Army)

Canucks to trade Roberto Luongo and get new goalie everyone will hate

After this year’s disappointing early exit from the playoffs, Canucks GM Mike Gillis has identified the team’s already strong goaltending as the first problem to solve, and has already begun preparations to shop Roberto Luongo on the trade market. This will open up the team for a new goaltender—perhaps a free agent, perhaps star backup Cory Schneider—whom everyone will hate very soon and turn on once things get tough.

“We owe it to our fans to do a better job of finding a scapegoat they can blame for much larger problems with this team, including soft defence and flaky scoring skills,” said Gillis. “We look forward to the day when these fans, today demanding that we trade Luongo, tomorrow start demanding we trade Schneider once he has a three-game losing streak. It’s the Vancouver way.”

Luongo, putting the team before himself, has offered to waive the no-trade clause in his contract so the team can move him. Fans on the street are reportedly not happy with his performance in this regard either, and feel that Schneider would do a much better job of putting the team before himself.

—Canadian University (Under) Press(ure)

All in the family? (Image via annoyancesandanecdotes)

A&W reveals new ‘Dysfunctional Burger Family’ menu

A&W’s “Burger Family” is about to get a modern re-branding as the restaurant honours the collapse of the nuclear family with its “Dysfunctional Burger Family” line of meals.

Shoddily made, bitter-tasting and often soaked in cheap booze, these burgers will attempt to capture the essence of families spiralling out of control—in sandwich form.

“If you want an herbal flavour, we have our new Pothead Teen Burger. If you want something a little creamier, try our Alcoholic Mama Burger; we made sure she hit the sauce (of your choice) hard. And we’re especially proud of our Creepy Uncle Burger, that boasts a flavour that will haunt you for years after the fact,” the restaurant said in a press release.

The meals will be served with fries and sadness.

—Reuters Schmeuters 

Sony Ericsson phone (Image via fonear

Ownership of Sony Ericsson phone a microcosm for everything wrong with area man

The fact that in 2012, that’s right, twenty-freaking-twelve, Coquitlam resident Mike Kozlov still owns a Sony Ericsson phone, instead of a regular smartphone like regular people, pretty much sums up what’s wrong with the guy perfectly.

“The guy makes good money, he doesn’t have any crazy bills, yet he’s so cheap with his phone and shit,” said friend Craig Allen. “And the guy still uses a PC! What is this, 2003?”

Kozlov is known for always acting dumb about technology stuff, even though he should have a clue. He has a reputation for always playing it cool about cell phones, acting like he doesn’t need an iPhone or something, but everyone knows it’s totally an act.

“What’s wrong with this guy? Doesn’t he get that he’s totally being left in the dust by not having Internet connectivity on the go?” asked another friend, Ali Herar.

When asked for comment, Kozlov told The Other Press that “the Sony Ericsson W715 is still a good phone, and [he] doesn’t need too many bells and whistles.” God, what a loser. Get with it, man!

(12/22-1/19)

Today you will be taped to a chair and be forced to watch a Maury marathon. Come on, we all know it’s your guilty pleasure.

Aquarius 

(1/20-2/18)

When life expects to put a square peg in a round hole, don’t conform and put rectangle pegs in triangle holes instead.

Pisces

(2/19-3/20)

Appearances can be deceiving. For example, did you know that ball of fluff next to you is actually a huge sleeping rat?

Aries

(3/21-4/19)

Now would be a good time to start mapping out your life as an adult. Contrary to what you believe, beer pong is not an Olympic sport, so you can stop practicing.

Taurus

(4/20-5/20)

Today you will run naked through the streets proclaiming to have discovered calcium. Maybe you should quit whatever it is you’re smoking.

Gemini

(5/21-6/21)

Sometimes, it’s easier to think about food than the homework in your classes. This is probably why all your notebook papers have doodles of pizzas on them.

Cancer

(6/22-7/22)

Your life is going to change. Ten years from now you’ll be a Conservative who listens to soft rock.

Leo

(7/23-8/22)

It’s time to refill yourself. My advice? Go drink tons of pen ink. You’ll need the ink inside you for the semester.

Virgo

(8/23-9/22)

You would make an excellent judge. After all, you’ve always been partial to wearing black-and-red robes.

Libra

(9/23-10/22)

One person in your circle of friends will leave you forever. This person is your link to sanity and without him or her, you will go on a destructive rampage.

Scorpio

(10/23-11/21)

It can be hard to break old habits, but doing so will stop you from crowing like a rooster every sunrise.

Sagittarius 

(11/22-12/22)

You always thought that your job was making you crazy. Maybe it’s a sign that you should stop volunteering at the psychiatric hospital.
With files from Livia Turnbull

It has come to my attention that the only font of helpful advice in this newspaper comes from a “psychic” who deals with unreliable sources. Horoscopes are considered to be fun little distractions, but you shouldn’t take them too seriously. That’s why, I, your dear Aunt Agony, have compiled together a list of questions that several people have sent me. I hope you’ll take my advice to heart, my dears.

Dear Aunt Agony, 

I’m taking some summer classes at college, and I’m a little upset that I’m stuck in a classroom while other people are living it up at the beach. What can I do to make that feeling go away and my summer more enjoyable?

Sincerely,

Summer Schooled

Dear Summer,

Look at it this way, you’re a grown adult now. The experience of being stuck in a overheated classroom will prepare you for your days as an “official” adult where you sit in a overheated cubicle and do deskwork all day long. So cheer up! There’s so much monotony in life to look forward to!

Sincerely,

Aunt Agony.

Dear Aunt Agony,

Are we safe from baby!? I know my girlfriend went out and bought the pill after the condom broke, but I don’t know! Help!?

Sincerely,

Possible Dad

Dear Possible,

The answer is no. No one can escape the wrath of “Baby” by Justin Bieber unless they get rid of their Internet connection.

Sincerely, Aunt Agony.

Dear Aunt Agony,

Tell me something I probably don’t know! 

Sincerely,

Imperative Command

Dear Imperative,

Those textbooks collecting dust on your bookshelf might be a great source of new information.

Sincerely,

Aunt Agony.

Dear Aunt Agony,

Look at you. Stealing my thunder. I’ll have you know that my facts are accurate and I do get rich quickly. Writing horoscopes is actually a very profitable line of work. It’s better than listening to so-called “advice” from a washed-up old crone.

Sincerely,

Prophet of the Planets.

Dear Prophet,

Who are you calling “washed-up?” Your horoscopes haven’t been accurate in years! You didn’t study the constellation charts at Advisor School and you certainly don’t now! I’ve read your so-called “Horoscopes” and to me, they seem like just an excuse to revel in people’s misery while laughing all the way to the bank. That is, you would be laughing all the way to the bank if you actually had a dime.

Sincerely,

Aunt Agony.

With files from Livia Turnbull

By Josh Martin, Sports Editor

It’s been just over a week since the Canucks were knocked out by the Los Angeles Kings in the first round of the playoffs, and the fate of the number one goaltending position is up in the air. Coach Alain Vigneault’s decision of starting goaltender Cory Schneider in game four of the series—in the most important game of the season—over Roberto Luongo has stirred up some big controversy and has created high speculation of who will return as the starting goaltender with Vancouver come next fall.

As of right now it looks as though the man between the pipes will be the young 26-year-old Schneids’—taking the starting job from Luongo, who has been a member of the Canucks organization for the past six seasons. Schneider is coming off an unbelievable year in his second NHL season with a 20–8–1 record, a .937 Save Percentage (second-best among goalies in the league), and a 1.96 Goals Against Average (third-best). He has clearly proven that he is ready to take on a starting position with an NHL squad and, after the decision by Vigneault to start him in game three, it looks as though the Canucks are that team.

In the three games that Schneider played in the LA series, he made 101 saves on 105 shots and posted a 1.31 GAA and a sparkling .960 SV%, while Luongo—in the two games that he played—had a .891 SV% and a 3.59 GAA.  Is this really a hard decision to make with those numbers in mind? Well, when you bring in the history of how Luongo came into this franchise and how he arguably single-handedly turned it around into a Stanley Cup-contending team, it does begin to get a little sentimental. But then again, it is a business, and right now Schneider is the better goalie. It’s just that simple… or is it?

Luongo has 10 years remaining on his contract with the Canucks, which carries a $5.33 million salary-cap hit throughout with a no-trade clause; however, after the first round of the playoffs, Luongo told reporters that he’d be willing to wave it to help out the team.

“Yeah, of course, if they ask me too… I don’t want to be one of those guys that’s going to stand in the way of anything. I always want to put the team ahead of me first.
“It’s a unique circumstance we’re in, where we’ve got an elite young guy who is probably going to dominate the league for many years,” Luongo said. “So I’m not sure what I would do if I was GM. It’s going to be what’s best for the team, and whatever scenario that is, I am okay with it. Whether that involves me being here or not is okay.”

With Luongo likely leaving, there are a number of ways this can turn out. There have been multiple reports suggesting that Luongo will be submitting a list of teams that he would prefer to be traded to, if in fact he were traded. The list will be given sometime within the next week, but reports say that the Tampa Bay Lightning and the Toronto Maple Leafs are possible destinations among the teams on his “short list.”  Other rumours have said that the New Jersey Devils and even the dreaded Chicago Blackhawks are on that list—although I could not picture Luongo being able to cope listening to the “Chelsea dagger” song that plays every time the Blackhawks score. He’s listened to it far too many times over the past several seasons.

Tampa Bay being a possibility isn’t surprising, considering that Luongo’s family lives down in Florida and that he lives there in the off-season. The Toronto Maple Leafs is a brave choice on his part, being the biggest hockey market in North America, even more so than Vancouver. And the fact that he didn’t exactly relish under the microscope in the past six seasons with his time in Vancouver doesn’t help his argument. But the Leafs are desperate for a goalie, which could be good for the Canucks’ sake in getting something juicy in return. Possibly Joffrey Lupul, who had 25 goals and 42 assists in 66 games, who would fit nicely alongside the Sedin twins. The New Jersey Devils would be a nice transition for Luongo, filling in future Hall-of-Famer Martin Brodeur’s shoes. The team is already built around the crease, so having Bobby Lu step in wouldn’t change a whole lot of the Devil’s structure.

The main thing for the Canucks would be unloading Luongo to any team willing to take him and his contract and getting something in return that could benefit their team. But with Luongo’s pricey and lengthy contract, that’s going to be a lot more difficult to achieve. And right now, with Schneider becoming a restricted free agent this summer, that means that GM Mike Gillis will have to work out a contract with him before he can even begin to look for a deal with Luongo. So the next few weeks could either be really quiet or hectic depending on how Gillis wants to approach this situation.

All in all, Luongo came in and replaced Alex Auld and Dan Cloutier six years ago, now Cory Schneider has the incredibly difficult task to replace the best goalie that ever played for the Canucks.

Pressure, much?

Hockey is a physical sport. The crowd fully expects (and often wishes for) excessive violence. However, there is a line that needs to be drawn so that players don’t suffer grievous injury. To this end, Brendan Shanahan, the NHL’s chief disciplinarian, has the duty of punishing those who cross the line in order to prevent such injuries. However, if recent events are any indication, he’s been doing a poor job.

Raffi Torres is a rough player. Some would go so far as to call him dirty. All the same, the hockey world was shocked last month when Shanahan handed out a 25-game suspension to the forward for his vicious hit on Marian Hossa.
Twenty-five games is absurd. However, the suspension is not absurd in its length (Chris Simon, anyone?), but rather, it’s consistency, or lack thereof. I have no issue with Torres sitting out almost a third of the season. I, in fact, agree wholeheartedly with the decision. That being said, comparing Torres’ suspension to others’, he shouldn’t have gotten any more than five games. Maximum.

I had great faith in Shanahan when he was initially put in charge. Surely a former player would be able to understand what those un-athletic suits at the top of the pyramid could never get. Unfortunately, it appears that faith was misplaced. Case in point: in the Detroit-Nashville series, Shea Weber grabbed Henrik Zetterberg’s head and slammed it into the boards. The penalty for this street-fighting move? A $2,500 fine. $2,500 isn’t even a slap on the wrist. These players are multi-millionaires.

Torres stands to lose $21,341 for every game he misses. That adds up to $533,525 in lost salary. Mathematically, Torres’ hit was approximately 213 times worse, in Shanahan’s opinion, than the mauling performed by Weber. I’ll leave you to think up your own disbelieving comment.

In an event well-known to Canucks fans, Duncan Keith received a mere five games for his elbow on Daniel Sedin. Finally, heading back to last year, David Steckel got off scot-free after concussing the NHL’s crown jewel, Sidney Crosby, with a blindside hit. The NHL can say all they want that they will protect their star players, but outside of the Torres incident, there seems to be little real substance behind their words.

I sincerely hope that Torres’ behemoth suspension is the start of a new trend. If players realize that they will miss significant time and money for their actions, there is a strong likelihood that fewer and fewer violent episodes will arise. Shanahan has to come to his senses and see that handing out paltry fines and minimal suspensions serves little purpose. If he doesn’t, then cross your fingers that the equipment companies revolutionize player safety because it looks like that’s the only protection players are going to get.

By Natalie Serafini, Contributor

Have you ever noticed an eerie quality to our school? There’s a presence that hovers like some manic poltergeist, rasping and breathing heavily. You’ll be walking down the hallway and hear it: a haunting, Invasion of the Body Snatchers-type deal. Actually no, it’s like an asthmatic pug dog, but not adorable. Or maybe it’s more like Chewbacca, I haven’t decided yet. But it’s there, this whirring sound that accompanies—wait for it—someone pushing the electric button to open the door.

Now, obviously I have no problem with people who actually need to use the button. My beef is with people who don’t need to use it—because in pushing that button, they’re pushing my buttons!

Press to open? (Image via DesignSojourn)

See what I did there?

Is there something I’m missing? If you’re capable of opening a door, then why not just do it? I can remember getting joy out of pushing buttons when I was young and carefree, which was actually the sole reason I took piano lessons, but these aren’t children that I see abusing the button. These are fully grown, fully capable, fully lazy adults. Maybe it’s the way I was raised; my dad wouldn’t get me a glass of milk without asking me why I couldn’t get it for myself.

Using electricity to open a door that you are capable of opening for yourself is a waste. Besides, I’ve actually seen the buttons break from overuse. Is that what you want? For people who need the button to be unable to use it because you were too lazy to open a door for yourself? The buttons are intended for those who need them, not for those who are oblivious.

I have to return to this laziness issue here because seriously, how much energy does it really take to open a door? I understand that this depends on whether it’s a pull or a push—I mean, if it’s a push you just sort of lean—but it’s not like we can’t afford to spend a tiny fraction of our energy on opening doors. I’m not entirely certain that it’s just people being lazy either, based on the number of times that I’ve held the door open for someone who pushed the button before striding on through. As in, the door was already open, but they pushed the button anyways.

Maybe it’s an addiction. Maybe it’s a force of habit. Maybe it’s an excessive dependence on technology. I have no idea, but people need to stop doing this. Honestly, isn’t anyone else annoyed by that sound? Take matters and handles into your own hands—it’s easy once you start.

Indianapolis Colts select Andrew Luck, QB, Stanford
The draft was just a formality; everyone knew Luck was going to the Colts. Luck has been given the pressure of resurrecting the Colts franchise after they fell off the map.

By Jacey Gibb, Opinions Editor

It seems like not a week goes by where I don’t read at least one letter to the editor complaining about someone’s recent nightmare encounter with a reckless, rule-defying cyclist/driver/pedestrian. These citizen-written pieces needlessly bitching about this kind of stuff are as common as rain clouds in the Lower Mainland, and I’m beyond sick of it. Mostly because it’s pointless (I doubt that guy you almost hit because he was jaywalking is going to read your words and experience a Grinch-like transformation), but also because they’re ignoring a crucial fact: regardless of whatever means we’re taking to get from Point A to B, we’re all still people.

That’s right. Inside that speeding container of metal and gears is a fleshy human just like yourself. They may be momentarily behind the wheel, but the moment they leave the confines of their car, they magically become pedestrians. The same goes for bikers. Underneath that horrendous helmet hair and those fingerless gloves, cyclists are people too.

So why is it that some people continue to single out these different groups and slap an absolute on them? “All bikers think they own the road!” I’m sure they feel the same way about you, Captain Four-Wheels.

As someone who dabbles into all three transportation pools, I can say without much bias that I know where people are coming from. It’s annoying when a car almost hits you because they’re not giving you the right-away you’re entitled to because you’re travelling on foot. I know I always fume when I’m stopped at a red light and someone on a bike breezes past me into the intersection, either ignoring that they’re supposed to be following the same rules as drivers or because they’re completely ignorant of it. These types of situations are annoying to experience, but that doesn’t mean you have to take to the media and generalize an entire group of people. That’s almost the definition of discrimination.

Instead of just complaining about the way other people act, take the encounters and learn something from them. Be a more considerate driver or take more precautions when crossing the road. Regardless of whether you’re on four wheels, two wheels, or none, it doesn’t make you any less of a human being—and the same goes for those around you.