Illustration by Cara Seccafien
I love you guys SO MUCH
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Something about the sun being out for three minutes turns me into a 31-year-old white woman with a French bulldog and a fiancé in finance. And to top the fantasy off? That’s right, I’m looking for an alcoholic beverage to slam on a patio! Patios are great because you’re pretty much on display, so everyone can see just how much fun you’re having and how much they should want to be you. Nothing screams “good weather and GREAT times” like day drinking, so let me take you through my five easy steps for gettin’ blasted on a weekday!
Maybe just one beer…
As you walk by what seems like the perfect patio, do the “should we?! No… should we?” dance for at least three minutes while a server rolls her eyes. Eventually one of you (the weakest one) caves and you take a seat atop your throne. Ask for what’s on tap but order a Fat Tug IPA, a beer guaranteed to get you drunk with one, wasted with two, and completely sobbing like a baby with three.
(Author’s note: please drink Fat Tug responsibly. Learn from my mistakes!)
(Editor’s note: Wow, Isabelle’s a lightweight.)
Okay, a pitcher!
Dang, it is nice out today! Can you believe how nice it is? No, I can’t believe it either. And the sun sets so late now, did you notice? It’s springtime, baby! Soak up the meagre rays while diving into a full-ass pitcher of beer. It feels like a holiday, but it’s not! It’s just a Tuesday afternoon and you feel more alive than you have in weeks. You’re also getting pretty tipsy at this point.
Walk like you forgot how to walk
You know what I’m talkin’ about. After one and a half beers, you suddenly forget basic human motor skills and have to trundle to the bathroom like a Sim. To add to your fun, carefree demeanor, try running into a barstool or narrowly avoiding an irritated server as she balances a heavy tray. As you careen around the server, yell “OOP!” in her face so she knows you made a mistake.
Stare in the bathroom mirror for too long
Great, you made it into the washroom! After peeing, sit on the toilet for an extended period of time and think about every life decision you’ve made up until now, and how different your life could’ve been if you just took that gap year instead of jumping into the most worthless degree you could think of. After slamming the stall door open too hard, stare at your dumb face in the mirror. Yeah, you fucked up. It’s 1 pm on a Tuesday and you’re Saturday-night-level wasted. What happened to law school, you square?
Margaritas!!1!!
That’s right youre all getting margaritas now I love my friends!!! We are getting the margaritas where there is also a beer sticking out o/the top of it (also known as a BULLDOG). After this we will all go get something pierced or maybe a friend tattoo bc we are all BEST FRIENDS. Later we will remember that we were supposed 2 cover someone’s shift but that doesn’t matter bc right now we’re are ALL GONNA LIVE FOREVER!!! WOOOOO SPRING/SUMMER!!!!
