Illustration by Cara Seccafien
‘Grandma is back on dialysis, also we converted your room into a home gym’
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Do you think you have it bad? Scott Middleton has been on the phone with his mother for over 15 hours and counting.
“The worst part is that she has almost nothing positive to say,” Middleton told reporters. “It’s just a long list of bad things that have happened to her in the past two to 12 weeks.”
Topics ranged from his mother’s friends, to her enemies, to friends of her friends who were also her enemies, and the enemies of her enemies whom she had just started a dog-walking club with.
“It seems like she either has a few close friends, or she hates absolutely everybody who isn’t my dad. But it also seems like she kind of hates my dad, too,” said Middleton.
Middleton himself has gone through significant life events in the past three months (the amount of time that has passed since mother and son have last seen each other). These include a new job, moving to another city, and Middleton coming out as gay.
“She asked me about my new job, but just long enough to tell me that my younger cousin started school to become a pharmacist, and that I should consider being a pharmacist too,” said Middleton. “I don’t think she knows where I live or what I look like anymore.”
Reporters asked Middleton why he didn’t simply end the meandering conversation.
“I tried many, many, many times,” Middleton said.
His tactics varied from telling his mother that he was on a break from work and had to head back, to saying he had another incoming call, to faking an emergency.
“She just kept talking in the same sad tone about how she thought her neighbour Diana had kidney cancer. She hadn’t talked to Diana in months, she just has a ‘feeling’ about it,” Middleton explained.
Other Press reporters spoke to Middleton’s father Jerrad about his wife’s phone habits.
“Gladys sure does love to talk,” Jerrad said. “It’s like she saves up all these boring, tedious life details to tell Scott all in one go. Sometimes I’ll see her sitting at the kitchen table with dead eyes, telling him in long detail about how the dog has worms. Even though she’s talking about horrible, boring things, I actually feel like she’s having a great time. It almost feels like the highlight of her day.”
As reporters were finishing interviews, Middleton was fast approaching hour 16.
“I’m hoping that she’ll eventually tire herself out by hour 18,” Middleton said, settling into a comfortable sitting position next to a crate of Gatorade. “We’re just starting on how the dishwasher she just bought isn’t getting the plates as clean as she’d like them to be. With any luck, that’ll move into home renovations that she’s been trying to get my dad to finish, and then I can steer her towards summer plans. After this call, I won’t have to talk to her again for four whole months!”
