Absolute monarchy restored as very special birthday present for a very special monarch
By Liam Britten the First, By Grace of God, Humour Editor
Queen Elizabeth II turned 86 years young last week, and the U.K. Government found themselves in a troublesome spot most of us are familiar with: what do you get the monarch in your life for her birthday when she has everything?
Unchecked, arbitrary, dictatorial power over 62 million-plus people, it turns out.
That’s what the Queen received this year for her birthday. For one day, April 21st, the government allowed her to rule “as if it were the good old days,” holding the power of life and death over every citizen in the land (or “subject,” as they were known that day). Her word was law, and if anyone didn’t like it, it was a quick beheading for them, with their entrails left to rot in the sun outside the old London walls as a warning to anyone else getting funny ideas.
Unemployment has been virtually eliminated as all Britons have been given jobs in the new feudal economy; 59,990,000 have been hired as pathetic, ignorant serfs, and the remaining 10,000 have been given jobs as fat, lazy, corrupt landowners and royal officials.
Although she was only given power for 24 hours, Her Majesty made the most of her special day. By noon, Catholics had been forbidden from public life. Later, war was declared against the Spanish and their fleet. By nightfall, Canada, New Zealand, and Australia were made colonies once more, and, in a brilliant move, the Queen dissolved Parliament, and gave herself more days as effective dictator—the classic “wishing for more wishes” manoeuvre.
Remarkably, the Queen’s re-taking of power in her kingdom has caused the British economy to soar to new heights within weeks. The United Kingdom, seen recently as a poor nation to invest in, has seen many once-dormant industries recover to pre-17th century levels, especially bloodletting and searching for the elusive Northwest Passage. Unemployment has been virtually eliminated as all Britons have been given jobs in the new feudal economy; 59,990,000 have been hired as pathetic, ignorant serfs, and the remaining 10,000 have been given jobs as fat, lazy, corrupt landowners and royal officials. According to The Financial Times, the most in-demand jobs for the new Tudor economy will be man-at-arms, sycophantic court busybody, and village idiot.
The return to hereditary rule was applauded by most Britons. People on the street saw it as a return to traditional, British values: decisiveness, strength, and extreme xenophobia towards continental Europe.
However, not everyone is on board with the Queen ending her rule as figurehead. There have been reports from town criers across the land that leprosy is rampant, for example.
Fortunately, the Queen has declared all such news to be typical French lies, and has ordered all those spreading such nonsense to be drawn and quartered. Yippie! Yah-boo! God save the Queen!