As temperatures rise, recent study finds silver lining in global warming crisis
By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor
In a press conference held by scientists, according to a recent, scientific study, the shrinking of ice in the Arctic sea—along with estimated rising temperatures—has exceeded all calculated projections.
“It is now estimated that by 2090 we will no longer have any ice in the Arctic sea except during the winter season,” stated Brittany Hughes, a scientist involved in the study.
However, the scientists who released the study have stated that they are not worried. In fact they stated a possible positive side of the grim reports circulating.
“We’re happy to be able to give some good news about global warming to the public for a change,” stated Hughes. “Usually it’s ‘dying polar bears’ this and ‘polluted waters’ that. But we’re confident we have found a silver lining.”
According to the team’s research, by 2080 global temperatures will have risen so much that fall will turn into another summer, while winter will display temperatures normally experienced in the fall. Scientific projections estimate that the end of September to November will experience temperatures between 20-30 degrees, creating drought, disrupted growing cycles, and very confused birds. Despite this, the research team has reassured the public this is not something to worry about, and in fact should be something to look forward to.
“According to our studies, summer has been shown statistically to be the most enjoyed season out of the four we currently have,” stated John Kerrick, head of the research group that spearheaded this important project. “That’s why we have decided to label this new, warm season ‘Summer 2.’ We really think the name gets across the idea that it will just be another few months of relaxation, pool parties, and vacations.”
Despite the chill vibes the press conference was trying to promote, there was still a large group outside the building protesting these scientific conclusions.
“I don’t understand how they think this is a good idea,” stated Ashley Grant, head of the global warming awareness group 2HOT4U. “Don’t they see the damage this statement will do? What do they think will happen temperature-wise during the real summer months? Surely it will be unlivable if we don’t do something to stop it.”
When showed the statements given by 2HOT4U, Kerrick suggested they all “just chill out and spend some time at the beach.”
“It doesn’t surprise me people without a scientific background would make a statement like that,” stated Kerrick. “We will all just do what we always do when it gets really hot during the summer—go into the basement and wait for the sun to go down.”
Pamphlets about Summer 2 will begin circulation starting 2075 to help acclimatize the public to the new temperatures and expectations.
“We will probably have to create a new type of glossy paper though,” states Kerrick. “Because by our calculations the paper we are currently using will melt under our new summer conditions.”
A new invention, Paper 2, is set to be released in 2042.