Throw yourself on the grill!
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Because it’s sunny now, your minimum wage job will force you to participate in mandatory camaraderie with the same people you see every day—except without pay. Fun, right?! Why spend your scant hours off catching up on laundry or seeing friends and family, when you could see your coworkers in a non-work setting? Nothing bonds coworkers together more than seeing what they wear when they’re not bound by the employee handbook!
Luckily, everybody feels the same way about seeing your sorry ass. Everyone’s ready to leave at the soonest opportunity. That’s why the burden falls upon you to ruin your work BBQ as quickly as you can so you can run home and hole up in your bedroom, watching Sex and the City until it’s time for you to head back to work. Don’t know how to be a party pooper? Try any of my three easy ways to get out of work-sanctioned fun as soon as possible!
The easiest way to get out of any scenario, this option has the added bonus of, well, being drunk. All coworkers have to be on a mood-altering substance to stand each other, but this is just cranking that dial up to 100. Drink your alcohol, your coworker’s alcohol, your manager’s alcohol, and the wine in the wine bra you wore to the BBQ until you’re too drunk to stand and slurring about how we shouldn’t have to work to live. Everybody will be quick to rush you out of there so you don’t ruin the vibe of 10 to 15 people who don’t want to hang out with each other. As another added bonus, you’ll get a free cab home! Be sure to stop at a 24-hour Subway for a celebration sub to soak up all that booze.
Warning: This excuse can only be used once! How crazy is it that you got a phone call at this exact second, and it’s your mother calling to tell you that Grandmammy passed in her sleep after 84 fruitful years on Earth? Wow, you’ve never really talked about her much before, but rest assured you are VERY sad and heartbroken. Yes, she was very present in your life and not scary with long acrylic nails that she would pinch you with and call you fat. Yes, you’re very, very sad, and you need to go home right away, but not before stopping at the 24-hour Subway for your mourning sub.
This one is high risk, high reward. Pick your least favourite coworker who has been getting on your nerves, and just start reaming them out. They never take out the garbage or mop the floors? Let ’em have it. Do they take 40-minute breaks instead of 30-minute ones? Go off. Did they narc on you for stealing pastries? It’s game time, baby! Launch a full-on person versus person fight, and when you are forced to leave the gathering, stop by the 24-hour Subway to hand in a resume and application for a new job. Proud of you!