Universe finally responds to complaints and adds billions more stars

The public can hope for increased night visibility starting in 2019

Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor

After billions of years, the universe has finally responded to complaints filed about the lack of visibility at night on Earth. Roughly 15,000 complaints have been issued towards the universe requesting more visibility after the sun sets. The universe has responded by stating they will add more stars in the sky to increase the amount of light during the hours between sunset and sunrise.

Frank Almend, a local Vancouver policeman, was one of the citizens of Earth who filed a complaint form years ago.

“A lot goes on at night,” stated Almend. “We have electricity to light our areas, but lightbulbs eventually burn out. Stars, as far as I know, do not.”

“I’m just glad they’re finally doing something about it,” stated concerned mother and wife, Martha Jakenson, who also filed a complaint. “I don’t like to think about my son wandering around at night and not being able to see without the aid of expensive, complicated technology.”

“Frankly, I don’t know why they didn’t do it sooner,” states James Maron, local truck driver. “Does the universe even know how much hydro costs in this city? But, better late than never, I suppose.”

The universe announced that, starting in 2019, there will be the added light of 2.5 trillion stars, which will give roughly the visibility equivalent of the sun on a cloudy day. The universe has issued an apology on the lateness of its response, stating that their tardiness was due to a few issues, one of them being administrative.

“Our front desk guy was out for a few billion years,” stated the universe. “You know how it is, being a huge, ominous being, things just get away from you sometimes.”

Many scientists have responded with outrage about the decision, along with concerns for whether this increase of light will disturb normal animal migration patterns or crop growing cycles. The universe responded, stating that “Animals don’t care, they’re animals. They can handle it. If they have a problem with the light, I’m sure they’ve heard of sleep masks. As for the crops, have you ever heard a vegetable complain? I’m sure we’re fine.” Unfortunately, this has not quelled the scientists’ concerns.

“How on earth do they think this is a good idea?” stated Kelly Ridder, head of the agricultural department at UBC. “They are going to disturb the entire natural cycle of the earth just because people don’t want to buy flashlights, or drain the batteries on their phones.”

The universe responded to these concerns, stating that it was older than all the scientists put together, so it believes it has enough experience to make this important, crowd-fuelled decision.

“I’ve been around the block a few times; before the concept of blocks even existed,” it stated. “I think I know what I’m doing.”

The Other Press

The Other Press, Douglas College's student newspaper since 1976. Articles, insight and updates from the New West and Coquitlam campuses.

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