Weather improves just in time for finals

Students sequestered indoors as warmer weather rolls in

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

After months of snowfall and a weather forecast with somewhat apocalyptic leanings, the Lower Mainland is finally beginning to exhibit signs of spring.

“The flowers are starting to bloom, the last of the snow is almost melted, and the days are getting longer and warmer,” local weatherman John E. Storm said during a forecast. “I don’t know about all of you kids out there, but all I want to do right now is grab my bike and do a lap of the seawall, or walk along English Bay eating ice cream and having a great time with my friends!”

This idealistic look at youth culture and the pleasures of early adulthood, however, fails to address the current mentality of many young people in their late teens and early twenties: Fatalistic nihilism.

“It’s not just about World War III breaking out; that was bound to happen anyway, and we’ve already written loads of humour articles about it to cope,” said student Adrian Meta. “No, it’s something far worse than that: All of us here, we’re all… we’re all trapped in finals season.”

Indeed, rather than having a chance to enjoy the pleasant change in weather, many young adults are frantically pounding back energy drinks and cups of black coffee, burning the midnight oil—and the late-evening oil and the early-afternoon oil and even the pre-dawn oil—to finish 30-page term papers, group projects, and final exam study sessions.

“I haven’t even noticed the weather,” said another student, Lina Cheung. “Quite honestly, it could be hailing fireballs that explode on impact like something out of a shitty Michael Bay movie and I wouldn’t even notice. I have three lab reports, one take-home essay on Agatha Christie, and a practice Philosophy exam to chew through. I don’t think I’ve been anywhere other than this school and my house since March.”

The Other Press turned to the staff of Douglas College for comment on the nice weather we’ve been having, only to be met with similar remarks.

“How’s the weather? You think I’m paying attention to the weather?” commented Dr. Jane Kirkovich, from the department of social sciences. “Listen, I’ve got 53 essays to grade by Friday, a final exam to write, 3 cases of plagiarism to bring up with the dean, and on top of all this, I’ve got my own kids that need to be picked up from daycare in 15 minutes. So long as the weather isn’t actively trying to kill us, I really don’t give a damn what it’s doing.”

Another instructor—Cordon Green, of the mathematics department—did not give the Other Press a quote, but was instead found weeping gently into a stack of unmarked term projects, which he’d hoped to have marked and passed back to the class three weeks ago.

“You don’t want to miss all the fantastic memories you could be making this spring,” said Storm, to finish his weather forecast. “We probably don’t have that much time left on this good green Earth anyway, given the current political climate, so go out and have fun in the sun while you can!”