The lowdown on vagina wigs
By Natalie Serafini, Staff Writer
There was a time when I thought the “vatoo” was weird. Then, my blissful ignorance was shattered when I heard about “vajazzling”—a disturbing decor-down-there that had to be the strangest, biggest waste of time, money, and material that there is. I thought to myself that there couldn’t possibly be anything worse, right?
Wrong. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the vagina wig.
That’s right—a wig for your vagina. But take note that a “wig” of this sort is more of a process really, and not simply a toupee. At Completely Bare Spa, where perhaps the more impressive merkins are produced, the pubic hair is removed via wax or laser. Next, you choose between the Foxy Bikini Wax or the Carnivale Bikini Wax. With the Foxy Bikini, fox fur—which is often dyed a neon color for extra pep—is affixed as a piece. The Carnivale Bikini on the other hand “takes the ‘look’ beyond the standard Brazilian by utilizing über trendy feathers in a variety of hot colors.” Both these services last a minimum of three days, use natural materials, and cost over $100 of your hard-earned money.
Since you’ve now been properly introduced, I’d like to take a moment to break down the absurdity of these wigs. There’s so much to say that it really necessitates sort of a piece by piece perusal.
[quote style=”boxed”]Whether a thatch of feathers or fur, it’s unnatural-looking and ugly—enough said.[/quote]
Although merkins have carried historical importance (they initially enabled prostitutes to cover up STIs and continue working), they don’t really have a practical purpose in modern day society—they’re functionless. Which is totally fine (I myself spend plenty of money on stuff that I don’t really need), but I’d like to address the aesthetic-sense of this look, as well. You spend time and money having your actual hair removed. You undergo the pain that accompanies having hair ripped out by the roots at a very sensitive place on your body. After your pubic hair is gone, fur is put in its place. I suppose the purpose of getting a merkin is to look attractive, but I can’t imagine it’s really fetching, and I think most people will agree with me on that. Whether a thatch of feathers or fur, it’s unnatural-looking and ugly—enough said.
Apart from the lack of aesthetic-sense is the lack of actual sense: why go through the pain of having all your hair removed just to replace it with fur, feathers, or fake hair? Go au natural—it’s certainly your choice—but please don’t top anything off with a wig if it’s below your head.
As little sense as I think these wigs make in general—logically and aesthetically speaking—the fur and feather options make the whole matter much worse. I find fur coats and hats obscene, but va-jay-jay toupees go beyond regular old-fashioned wastefulness. Should an animal’s life be sacrificed for this?
Everyone has the right to choose how they spend their money and how they present themselves to the world—or in the case of vagina wigs, to their significant other. I certainly hope no one is presenting this particular embellishment to the world. It’s important to think about the big picture. You don’t have to justify getting a vagina wig, but the choices we make dictate what sort of a society we live in. It’s something to think about before hopping on the vagina-wig-bandwagon.
Speaking as a feminist—and I almost always do—these wigs are degrading in a number of ways. Described on thoughtcatalog.com as “a decorative object, suggestive of sexual innocence [or] promiscuity,” they feed into society’s ideal that women have to toe the line between slut and virgin, Madonna and whore.
I’m tired of my appearance and actions being dictated by companies that are just out to get my money at whatever cost. I’m also tired of the idea that it doesn’t matter if that cost is my dignity. Sadly, this joke of a service speaks to the sort of society we live in today: in a time when undergoing drastic surgery to conform to society’s norm is the norm, vagina wigs may not seem so extreme.