All-you-can-eat burglaries

Theft of bees, honey, potatoes, and maple syrup may be linked

By Joel MacKenzie, Chief Speculator

Police are speculating that the same person may be behind three recent food burglaries: an Abbotsford bee and honey heist discovered late July involving 8,000 pounds of honey and approximately 500,000 bees, a Richmond potato pilfering in late August involving 5,000 pounds of potatoes, and a Quebec sickly steal of 10-million pounds of maple syrup in early September.

The RCMP could offer no current leads, but RCMP National Commissioner Earl Haywright was quick to rule out members of The Vegans, a food club declared a criminal gang by the RCMP in early 2012, as responsible, seeing as how “they probably already would have told everybody that they did it just so they could rub it in everybody’s faces.”

In the meantime, Haywright warned the public to be wary of food offered from “shady” grocery stands or trench coats.

“Look at the packaging,” says Haywright, who also wants people to be suspicious of potatoes housed in “handkerchief bindles,” bees in “pharmaceutical pill bottles,” or “maple syrup or honey in shampoo bottles or used toothpaste tubes.”

The idea that a food criminal mastermind could be behind these robberies is a stark reminder of the string of criminal activities carried out by Alan MacKinnon in 2006. MacKinnon, aka The Hamburglar, a begrudged former McDonald’s representative, is suspected of being involved in the 2005 destruction of thousands of acres of tomato plants, white onions, miniature cucumbers and the white parts of iceberg lettuce plants worldwide.

What could a similar criminal mastermind be planning with bees, honey, potatoes, and maple syrup? Could some sort of a bee attack against the public be planned?

Ian Hewitt, a Richmond beekeeper, predicted “no.” But, a trusted expert, who preferred to remain anonymous, disagrees. “This is a definite possibility,” said the source.

Could a new, sweet type of methamphetamine be being made from these ingredients? This new type of meth could be disguised as candy and sold in local candy stores, and would be particularly appealing to children.

“That’s horrific…they need to stop whoever is doing so,” said Douglas College student, Marie Lu.

Or could the high carbohydrate levels of these stolen items also be used for the production of a high-energy party drug, similar to ecstasy or Red Bull?

Stay tuned to future editions of The Other Press, as we continue to track all future Canadian food robberies and come to even wilder conclusions.