How to get a Tinder date

The ultimate guide to app dating

By Jessica Berget, Staff Writer

The world of Tinder is a vast and horrifying place where people seek refuge for their genitals. Whether you want to get laid or find a meaningful relationship, Tinder is the perfect place to do it. It can be difficult at times, so to relieve your anxieties here are some tips on how to dominate the dating world and become the ultimate Tinder master.

Choose the right pictures

The pictures you display on your Tinder bio are the first impression you give to all of Tinder, so they better be good, or you shall meet your doom with The Left Swipe. They say the eye is the window to the soul, so a few close-up pictures of your eyeball will surely woo any potential slam piece within 50 kilometres of you. Show them your vulnerable side by taking a picture of yourself on the toilet, or you can show your dark and mysterious side by taking a selfie with the lights off. Nothing is more hot and mysterious than not showing your face.

Make a good bio

Bios are the most essential part of the Tinder experience. People want to get to know you before they bang (or, alternatively, date) you, so say something about yourself. Opening with your worst fears and anxieties will not only show your sensitive side, it also says to other people that you are strong and not afraid to show your true emotions.

Pro-tip: eighteenth century English is the most romantic of all the Englishes, so use words like “hark,” “behold,” and “thou” constantly. It also helps to write your bio in all caps, as it will capture your future bae’s attention and illustrate the fact that you are always yelling. Something like “HARK! I AM AFRAID I WILL NEVER FALL IN LOVE” or “BEHOLD! EGGS TERRIFY ME” are just some examples of the perfect Tinder bio.

Message first

One of the problems plaguing Tinder occurs when you both swipe right, but never initiate a conversation. Before you go on a date with this person, you should get to know them, right? Open with something witty and charming. Something along the lines of “What’s up, dork?” or “Is your pussy tight?” will do just fine. It shows that you’re quirky and easy to talk to, or that you are very passionate about the scientific field of gynaecology. Following the rule that eighteenth century English is the most romantic, something like “HARK! AN ATTRACTIVE SPECIMAN” will also work. If you’re not good with words, a gif of someone fingering a piece of fruit will definitely get their attention, and likely their phone number as well. I mean, who doesn’t love fruit? If this doesn’t grab their attention at first, proceed to message them repeatedly until they are forced to converse with you. Then, follow the next step.

Keep the conversation flowing

Nobody likes a boring Tinder conversation, so keep things light and keep your potential fuck buddy on their toes by asking them intimate and personal details about their life. Asking for their credit card number not only illustrates that you don’t care about shallow things like their weight or their height, it also shows you care about your their financial security. You don’t want to appear desperate in moments like these, so repeatedly reminding your match that you absolutely do not want to bang them, followed by comparing them to different kinds of frogs will get you laid almost immediately.

Tinder can be both confusing and terrifying, but follow these tips and you will be earning yourself a one-way ticket to Pound Town in no time, my friend. Good luck!