Marches on Washington collide after scheduling error

Clashes between groups lead to chaos, confusion

By Greg Waldock, Staff Writer

The American Family Association, the American Civil Liberties Union, the Women’s March on Washington, and the Juggalo March on Washington all collided yesterday outside the White House after a fatal lack of communication by organizers, as well as with local authorities. The AFA and the Women’s March clashed near the Washington Monument, while the ACLU and the Juggalos collided with one another near the White House gates. Dozens of injuries are reported and the scene is currently still a mess of picket signs and face paint.

The AFA, notorious for hard-right Christian views and influence in the current Cabinet, organized an appearance to support President Trump and, in particular, Vice President Pence. The Women’s March, an international movement focusing on women’s rights with heavy LGBTQ+ associations, came together to denounce Trump and Pence’s anti-abortion, anti-gay marriage, and general Christian extremist views.

When the two groups collided there was “absolute confusion,” said Mary Wallis, an AFA supporter. “Both the movements are primarily about and composed of women, so we both just assumed the other was a strange parody splinter group.”

When both sides discovered the truth of what the other stood for, however, fighting broke out amongst the protestors.

Meanwhile, the ACLU was protesting Trump’s illegal ban on travel from Muslim countries. Hundreds of lawyers, lawmakers, and concerned citizens were marching to show opposition to the executive order. This was interrupted at the White House fence by the Juggalo’s March on Washington, which had unclear motives and mostly spent its time yelling song lyrics and screaming. The Juggalos, the name for fans of hip hop group Insane Clown Posse, tried to aggressively apply face paint to lawyers, causing further violence—and lawsuits—to erupt.

The two fighting crowds met in front of the White House, the very place where so many iconic Marches on Washington had met in the past.

“The ghost of Martin Luther King was smiling on me when I hit that guy with a giant inflatable dildo I found on the ground,” said a Juggalo who called himself Smelly Dan. “It was a magical time. Someone threw an actual Bible at my head.” The protests nearly turned into one giant riot before police arrived and broke up the conflict. Cleanup was led by the International Janitorial Cleaning Services Association, which was planning their own protest after lunch that day.

The official police response was a single tweet from the DCPD Twitter account: “#washingtonmonument covered in rainbows, Bible verses, legal terms, and the word magnets over and over again. It was bound to happen eventually.”