Undergraduate student sues Psychology department

“First instinct fallacy, my ass!”

By Carlos Bilan, Staff Writer

Fred Spade, a 19-year old psychology student, filed a lawsuit against the entire Psychology department of Maple Tree College after receiving the results from his first midterm exam.

The plaintiff filed a “misinformation and miseducation” claim for the sum of all the Psychology courses he will have to take to complete his degree, totalling around $10,589—excluding taxes which will be “added later” after his “accountant finishes computing it.”

It was around 3:30 p.m. when the incident took place. Spade became very agitated, and shouted at the class’s Psychology professor. One of our reporters, a student of Maple Tree College, happened to be in the class at the time and managed to interview some of the witnesses.

“It does not make any sense to tell us that one’s first instinct is not always right, when I know I would have gotten full marks on these five multiple choice questions if I had not changed my answer!” argued Spade to his Psychology professor, Doctor Dave Cardiff. He continued: “That is miseducation! We are supposed to be learning facts here, but if what you’re teaching us is true, why didn’t I get those questions right the second time? How do you explain that to me and every student in the world who has done the same thing?”

Doctor Dave Cardiff M.D., who finished his Masters degree in Psychology at Princeton University, replied to Spade: “I am sorry you are frustrated right now. But what you are feeling right now is actually an example of the first instinct fallacy. Every student has experienced it and it’s okay—”

Despite Cardiff’s calm and soothing tone, Spade cut Cardiff off mid-sentence.

“First instinct fallacy my ass! I studied so hard for this damn test. I spent a total of nine hours writing down notes for this and reading through it all over again. It doesn’t add up that I’m more likely to get this answer wrong just because I changed it. It contradicts everything we studied for.” Spade’s voice cracked and tears began to well up due to his frustration.

The argument lasted almost half an hour—so long, in fact, that the head professor of Psychology and a guidance counsellor were called by one of the students to help pacify Spade. This only seemed to aggravate the situation further, as Spade ended up kicking a chair and threatening to sue the entire Psychology department.

“This is miseducation and misinformation. If I can’t sue the entire world of Psychology which has come up with that first instinct fallashit, I’m going to at least sue the school on behalf of all students who had to suffer the same way I do! I’m calling my lawyer right now.”

Surprisingly, some students rose from their seats and cheered Spade. There were also students who stood up for Cardiff, and it ended up just becoming a heated psychological debate between two opposing parties which lasted for an extra 30 minutes.

“To be honest, I agree with Fred,” said chemical engineering major Felix DuPoint to our reporter. “That test was bull. I also got a wrong answer after I changed it so there’s no way my first instinct is not always right. That’s not the first time this has happened—even for other subjects, I experience the same thing.”

“I feel so bad for Dave,” Samantha Chang, a major in Psychology, said. “He is a good professor. Of course, Fred will feel frustrated. It happens to the best of us. But he really is just too attached to those questions and is venting out his frustration. I did not expect him to be serious about suing.”

“We feel really sorry for Mister Spade,” said Sean Perry, the assistant head professor in the Psychology department. “We’ve all been there and I can’t blame him. I’m just worried what will happen if he wins the case. I doubt he will, but oh well, better book the paradise trip to Bahamas with my husband tonight.”

So far the case has been bogged down by mountains of legal paperwork and bureaucratic hoop-jumping, and has yet to move forward to a court of law.