Douglas student does stupid thing

Was warned not to do it; absolutely shocked when everything went to shit

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

A Douglas student—who wishes to remain anonymous—reportedly did a very stupid thing last week, after being repeatedly told that doing the thing was a very bad idea.

“I think we all tried to warn them at some point,” said another student, in an interview with the Other Press last night. “It was one of those things that seemed quite blindingly obviously stupid to do? I don’t think any of us were surprised when it ended badly for them.”

“Yeah, I also told them not to do the stupid thing,” said a woman claiming to be the student’s mother. “They called me up last Monday and said, ‘Hey, Mom, I need some advice.’ Then they told me what they wanted to do, and I told them it was stupid. They thanked me very much for my time, hung up, and did the stupid thing anyway.”

The stupid thing is reported to have occurred late last Wednesday night, and has resulted in multiple calamities. To date, the damages are: one fractured tibia, several instances of destruction of public property, a small house fire, three and a half dark nights of the soul, and at least 15 hurt feelings.

“I could have told them that would happen,” said the student’s friend. “In fact, I did. Look, here are the texts. That’s where they told me what they were going to do, that’s where I told them it was a bad idea, and that’s where they messaged me back telling me they did the stupid thing anyway.”

The next 15 texts were from the friend, telling the student “I told you so” on repeat.

The Other Press followed a trail of disaster and broken dreams to the student in question for an exclusive interview.

“Look, in my defence, it seemed like a really good idea,” said the student, who was visibly uncomfortable and still smouldering from the house fire at the time. “I know it hasn’t worked out for anyone else in the past, but I thought I might be different somehow. I had no reason to think that of course, aside from the inherent folly of human hubris. But really, in my head it all worked out perfectly. All upsides, no downsides. Now I can’t talk to anyone I know without them telling me that they were right and I was wrong. I might have to leave the country. Maybe I’ll move to somewhere nice and calm, like Texas. Yeah, Texas sounds like a good idea.”

The student was immediately told that moving to Texas, given the current political climate, was probably not a good idea; however, last anyone heard, the student has spent the last two days applying for a visa and shopping for homes in Houston.