BC government decided by rock, paper, scissors

‘In the end, it seems to be the only fair way to decide this’

By Rebecca Peterson, Humour Editor

Citizens of British Columbia were largely unsurprised this week when it was announced that party leaders Christy Clark (Liberal), John Horgan (NDP), and Andrew Weaver (Green) were to decide the outcome of the ongoing election shenanigans with an epic three-way game of rock, paper, scissors.

“After all the shouting and bickering and side-swapping and nail-biting, in the end, it seems to me to be the only fair way to decide this,” said Weaver, standing between Clark and Horgan during a press conference on Monday night. “No one wants a minority government—I mean, we all say we do, but honestly what’s the fun of being a party leader if you don’t have total and complete power? Christy, you know what I’m talking about, am I right?”

(Clark did not comment on the matter.)

The rock, paper, scissors method has only been used in politics a few times before in Canadian history, and never in such a public matter. It is rumoured that the decision to keep Stephen Harper in office over the course of several elections was decided by a few poorly-played rounds of the game, and remains an example of the risks and faults of such a method.

“This is obviously not the ideal system for a functioning government, but quite honestly I think it reflects the will of the voters far more fairly,” said Horgan. “It’s sort of a winner-takes-all kind of thing. In the end our priority is to get the government moving again, isn’t it? We want to see some changes around here, and we’re not going to get that done if we can’t all just agree who the supreme leader of the province is.”

The game will be played before a panel of seven impartial judges near the end of the month, and while the outcome is statistically random, it’s suspected that Weaver will somehow win either way.