By Joel MacKenzie, Staff Writer
“…it’s not a man purse; it’s called a satchel. Indiana Jones wears one.”
-The Hangover
To all the dudes who have been avoiding using a small bag out of fear of ridicule: man up. Everyone has things to carry, and a bag is the best way to carry them.
Drawing from my 20-plus years of experience in general manliness, I’ve compiled the following list of items that can come in handy to ease every man’s practical and paranoid worries.
Practical
Mints
They cover bad breath instantly, but they’re not candy. Mints are only for emergencies, like when you’re thrown into a close conversation on the bus after eating a bunch of pickled cabbage.
Toothpaste/collapsible toothbrush
Brushing your teeth throughout the day makes a huge impact on oral and even general health. If you forget to brush at home, with these you can brush anywhere.
Nail clippers
They’re invaluable if you forget to trim at home and are generally concerned with lookin’ fine in the hand department.
Handkerchief/tissue
For those unpredictable moments, like sneezing, sweating, or crying during a particularly moving play. Scratch that last one: man up and cry openly.
Spray deodorant
For underarms, bags, shoes, or other people that smell. But avoid terrible deodorants (e.g. Axe).
Comb/brush
Combed hair makes the difference between looking like you just came from a sleepover and looking like you’re a prince.
Pencils/Pens
Don’t stifle your creativity. Write it down!
Agenda
The Douglas Students’ Union building offers free ones annually!
Snacks/Water
Food and water keep you alert and happy, and less likely to buy junk from corner stores.
Paranoid
Flashlight
Start carrying a flashlight around with you and make friends during power outages, while fixing electronics, or while exploring a beach or forest at night!
Whistle
You lose your voice after only a little while of yelling. As long as you can breathe, you can blow a whistle and signal in an emergency situation. Fox 40 makes durable, ball-less, cheap, loud whistles.
Emergency blanket
They’re small, very light, very cheap, waterproof, windproof, and could save your life. They reflect for signalling, trap body heat, or become a tent for when shit really hits the fan.
Pocket mask
Every gentleman should know how to perform CPR. These act as a barrier between mouths, preventing contraction of many diseases that strangers carry. They come in thin, very small varieties, or larger, ballooning ones.
Examination gloves
They’re another incredibly light and cheap barrier device that can protect your hands from body fluids or chemicals.
Parachord
Available in army-surplus stores and even dollar stores, parachord is designed for, and strong enough to be used in a parachute. When you need it to attach two things, to hang something, to repair something, etc., there’s no other alternative to rope.
Multi-tool
Another type of Swiss Army pocket knife, they commonly include knives, scissors, screwdrivers, pliers, and wire cutters. They’re incredibly useful. Cheap ones wear out quickly, though, so choose a quality one, like a Leatherman.
Glow sticks or road flares
Batteries give out much quicker than chemical reactions. These are only for the truly paranoid.
