SkyTrain breaks free from rail

Returns to free-range life and family

By Klara Woldenga, Humour Editor

Hundreds of Vancouver residents have gone missing after an Expo Line SkyTrain jumped its line and escaped back to the wild last Monday. According to local reports at 8:45 a.m., a Monday morning the SkyTrain car was en route to Waterfront station when it broke free from the rails, right after exiting Edmonds Station.

“Yeah, this kind of stuff happens from time to time,” says Sanda Balden, TransLink spokesperson. “We always try to buy SkyTrains that are ‘broken in,’ but no process is perfect. Rogue SkyTrains have and always will exist. Unfortunately, we only spot them when it’s too late.”

The rogue SkyTrain, nicknamed “Black Stallion” by TransLink employees, nearly missed several vehicles on the road while speeding towards Grouse Mountain, which houses the largest wild SkyTrain sanctuary in BC. “Black Stallion” was later seen returning to its young, which are one car length until they molt and grow the rest of their cars at the age of six. Unfortunately, the people on “Black Stallion” will not be returning to their families, as they have already been digested by the rogue train.

“We make sure people don’t fall asleep on the train for exactly this reason,” explains Balden. “If you stay in there too long you’ll be digested. SkyTrains are animals like any other. If you look at the back of your Compass Card, or on our website, it clearly states that you waive all rights to not being digested when riding, and that the SkyTrains may try to escape from the rails or eat you. It’s not something that happens often, but it can happen.”

Surprisingly, there has been no public outcry; instead, the locals are excited that this tragedy has created hundreds of new job openings and more housing options.

“Nature is cruel, but it’s a part of life,” says Jane Victor, local SkyTrain commuter. “I’m hoping one of people who died lived in an apartment I’m on the waitlist for.”

Although no one outside the train was hurt by this incident, TransLink has promised to up its game, as getting new and improved SkyTrains has been part of the company’s discussion for months. They hope to bring in better trained, more obedient SkyTrains next year; a task that TransLink is confident about.

“The SkyTrains that are coming out now are born in captivity,” said Balden. “They’ll be easier to handle and easier to train. Get it? ‘Train?’”

(The Other Press did, in fact, get it.)