Gavel of the law brought down on local auction house

Going once, going twice, sued!

By Naomi Ambrose, Contributor

Reporters have gotten to the root of the latest scandal in the auctioneering world.

In a series of videos posted on his public Instagram story, Carlson Carolsen, the owner of Carlson’s Auction House, sobbed uncontrollably as he revealed a terrible secret. Carolsen tearfully recanted a comment he made about not declaring the origin of the wood used to make the auction gavel at his namesake auction house.

Carolsen tipsily made the comment during a boozy toast given to celebrate the auction house’s first anniversary.

“It’s the bubbles in champagne,” Carolsen moaned. “Champagne always gets me!”

Unbeknownst to Carolsen, the event was streamed live across Facebook. The video went viral after someone commented, “imma need the deets on that gavel’s origin STAT.” The comment received 473 likes, 232 “angry” reaction faces, and 23 “crying” reaction faces. Carlson’s bad luck continued when one of the viewers tipped off the police about the auction house’s violation.

Officer Fred Dirk spoke to reporters after what the press dubbed “Gavelgate”.

“This is a very serious offence,” said Dirk to the Other Press. “Obviously there are a lot of other things that we, the police, could be branching out and focusing on right now. But for some reason we’re going to home in on this and ignore things like the stigma around mental health, intersectional women’s rights, and the homeless.”

On Instagram Live, Carolsen sniffled into a hundred-dollar bill while explaining he was unaware about the new law passed in BC earlier this year. This particular law, known as the “Wood Yew Rather” law, requires all auction house owners to reveal the origin of the wood used to make their gavels. The law was implemented in response to years of complaints made by attendees who claimed that Willowby’s Auction House, another local spot, crafted their gavels from ancient hardwood trees dating back to as early as the 1800s. Because of this, Willowby’s violated BC’s tree conservation laws that prohibit the cutting down of rare and historically significant trees for commercial purposes.

“They should’ve stuck to willow,” Carolsen said. “I mean, it’s in the name, for God’s sake!”

Carolsen also blamed Gavelgate on a worker at his auction house.

“One of my employees was responsible for all business background checks. But it seems that his check left out any and all information about Canada’s laws and restrictions, and mainly focused on who in the company had the most money,” said Carolsen, still sobbing away. “And that person was me!”

Carolsen offered an apology to his employees who lost their jobs due to the scandal.

“I will be opening a new bakery called Carolsen’s Bakery, where all of my old employees are welcome to apply,” said Carolsen, wiping his tears away with his gold embroidered handkerchief. “Isn’t the name spectacular?”

Carolsen also claimed he “learned a lot” from the gavel scandal.

“We’ve really spruced up our act. This time I will abide by the province’s rules about declaring the origin of the flour used in bakeries. I have done adequate research and determined that all of our flour comes from the store down the road,” Carolsen said.