Local man sinks to centre of Earth due to giant fashion sneakers

‘The laces alone weigh 87 pounds,’ says fashion insider

By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor

“Fashion is beauty, and beauty is pain!” Samuel Kingston, 27, screamed from the molten core of the Earth last Saturday afternoon.

Pain indeed, as Kingston had sunk an estimated 6,371 kilometres into the centre of the Earth due to the weight of his Balenciaga Multicolour Quadruple Layer Sneakers. The self-proclaimed “streetwear addict” had this to say via a long hose that was lowered into the ground:

“I’m all about the #FitPics these days. That’s why I bought these shoes that look like the shoe equivalent of a toddler trying to draw a truck with a crayon. It doesn’t even matter that I’m cemented to the red-hot centre of the planet I call home because I know my look is fire! Just like my entire body is right now!”

The shoes themselves were mass-produced in China, using unethical labour and unsustainable materials including plastic, polyester, and ribbing made from animal bones and sinew. Despite this, the shoes themselves were priced at an estimated $6,900 USD.

Several of Kingston’s friends were gathered around the hole, shooting pictures for their social media accounts.

Seth Driver, 27 and Kingston’s best friend, spoke to press. “I warned Samuel that the shoes looked a little heavy and what’s more, they looked a little dumb. But hey, that’s fashion. You have to risk looking like a clown with lots of disposable income in order to impress the small handful of people around you who care.”

Kingston’s father, Derrick Kingston, shared his knowledge of his son’s stylistic tastes.

“We don’t understand our son’s fashion choices,” Derrick Kingston told reporters who were circled around the Samuel-shaped hole in the ground. “We don’t understand where we went wrong. Up until he was around 14 my wife Kelly would buy him all of his clothes from Gap, which was perfectly fine with him. Then he started getting involved with these fashion forums and message boards, and the next thing we knew he was selling his blood plasma to buy miniscule sunglasses that barely fit his face. It’s an epidemic!”

Other Press reporters canvassed the area, making sure to give the hole a wide berth. Surprisingly, most of the women interviewed were uninterested in the shoes.

Natalie Press, 23 and single, told reporters, “I once agreed to a date with Samuel after we matched on Tinder. He cancelled the date when it began to rain because he didn’t want to get his Represent raw denim jeans wet, then invited me over to his place to look at his collection of Nike Elite socks. I declined.”

Rescue teams told Kingston that if he was able to wrench his feet from the sneakers, he had a good chance of being dragged back up to the Earth’s surface via large crane. Kingston declined.

“The centre of the Earth is real, untapped territory,” Kingston shrieked as flames devoured his body. “We’re looking at a fashion frontier down here. I have a chance to be a real inspiration to those willing to push boundaries with the medium, as long as they’re willing to spend large amounts of money on unethically sourced clothing that will only be popular for a month, tops. Hey, are any girls impressed by this? Any girls at all?”