Super blood wolf moon delights millions, demands human sacrifice

The last thing you’ll ever see, ever

By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor

People all across Metro Vancouver took a few minutes out of their evenings Sunday January 20 to gaze upward.

What were they looking at? The spookily named “super blood wolf moon,” where the moon not only underwent a lunar eclipse, but sunlight refracted by the Earth’s atmosphere also gave the moon a reddish hue. Additionally, the moon was near its closest approach to the Earth, making it seem larger than normal.

Theodore Muggins, an astronomy professor at UBC, called the astrological phenomenon a “rare sighting” and noted that the next total lunar eclipse wouldn’t be until 2021.

“We should all be aware of the planets and their movements, not only to see beautiful sights like the one that graced our skies last Sunday, but also to understand our place in the universe,” said Muggins.

Furthermore, the super blood wolf moon demands human sacrifice.

“On this very rare event—that is, the supermoon, eclipse, and ‘blood’ effect—a human from each household must be sacrificed to the heavenly bodies,” Muggins explained to Other Press reporters. “It’s all very standard.”

According to ancient texts found in Douglas College archives, in the event of a super blood wolf moon, human blood must be spilled upon the Earth to ensure both healthy crops and the preservation of the human race.

“The true beauty of this celestial event is that it will be the last sight many will see before they begin crying blood,” said Muggins. “Oftentimes the image of the moon will be burned into their consciousness and haunt them for the rest of their tortured time on Earth.”

“I had a great time seeing the super blood wolf moon,” said Gladys Irving. “My husband and I saw the last one in 1982. On Sunday night we packed a picnic lunch and walked to the top of a park to watch the eclipse. It was very sweet and romantic, up until he transformed into a werewolf and started terrorizing the local neighbourhood cats.”

Other citizens, like Hector and Jane Davis, weren’t so pleased with the once-in-a-lifetime event.

“We took our son out to see the moon, and his head twisted all the way around,” said Hector. “He rose six feet off the ground and hung there, suspended, for four hours. We got him down all right, but he’s still making all the knives in the kitchen levitate. He’s scratching all the good steak ones, too.”

“We have a daughter who doesn’t really do much,” Jane added. “We really wish the super blood wolf moon would’ve taken her instead.”

Did you miss it? Don’t fret!

“The next lunar eclipse is in 2021,” Muggins said. “Be ready for a beautiful astronomical display. And get ready to spill the blood of all of your loved ones. That eclipse is going to be a real doozy!”