Work it, hunty!
By Isabelle Orr, Entertainment Editor
Vancouver citizens are getting excited for Pride 2019 this summer.
“We’re really going all out this year,” John Wilkes, program coordinator for the City of Vancouver, told press. “We want to celebrate our city’s pride in the best way we know how—by uplifting handsome, fit, white cis gay men, and absolutely nobody else.
“The female best friends of these men who call them ‘queen’ and have reality television marathons with them are also welcome to attend,” he added. “Pride used to be an act of defiance against oppression, but now we’re turning it into our new vision—making as much money and getting as much media coverage as we possibly can.”
Wilkes explained that in previous years, all members of the 2SLGBTQ+ community were welcome to march in the city’s annual Pride parade.
“Not this time,” Wilkes said to reporters. “2019 is reserved for blonde gym hunks who would look good in a GAP ad campaign, and gay men whose entire personalities subsist of RuPaul’s Drag Race quotes.”
Speaking of campaigns, Wilkes also added that most of the funding for the parade and other festivities would be coming from banks and credit unions such as TD Canada Trust, RBC Royal Bank, and Vancity.
“None of these corporations would ever hire a visibly queer person,” Wilkes said. “But we’re allowing them the privilege to hand out finance-themed Pride flags, Pride tattoos—you name it! As long as it’s visibly branded, Instagram hashtag-worthy, and above all else, sterile and white.”
Other members of the 2SLGBTQ+ community felt that Pride 2019’s festivities failed to incorporate the entirety of the queer spectrum.
“There’s barely any lesbian, nonbinary, or trans representation,” Sam Fletcher, Vancouver resident, told reporters. “Where do we go if we’re not gym bros who look good in crop tops?”
“Anyone who is not in a cis male-cis male relationship where both parties dress in similar H&M outfits can go to their own parade in East Vancouver,” Wilkes said. “No media coverage will be given to this parade as it’s not as palatable as two thin yoga men kissing chastely.”
What does this mean for the rest of Vancouver’s residents?
“I feel safe seeing two men kiss because that’s what I see in movies and television,” Rhonda Bynes, 52, told press. “I don’t like any of that other ‘weird’ stuff. Only what I would see in a Netflix-made romantic comedy about young boys discovering their sexuality abroad.”
“The best thing about Pride is seeing different forms of love—specifically, ones that fit the narrow mould of what I’m comfortable seeing,” Brenda Sullivan, 37, said. “Nothing more and nothing less.”
“I wouldn’t mind seeing a lesbian march,” Richard Baker, 49 and creepy, said.
Wilkes also confirmed that the Vancouver Police Department would be attending the parade, marching in a float as well as providing safety and security measures.
“Many citizens are very anti-police at pride, mostly because of 2SLGBTQ+ people’s history with the police force. But I offer this argument: What’s more marketable than a glossy 8×10 of two white male cops kissing in uniform?”
Author’s Note: I love all my white cis male gay friends, especially you, Guille!
