Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
Love hurts when youâre in love with a knife. Itâs also embarrassing to explain to the doctor how that knife got stuck in there.
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Aquarius
(1/20-2/18)
Hi, are you single? Well, Iâve got news for you! Youâre still going to be in the friend zone.
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Pisces
(2/19-3/20)
Love makes the world go âround. Abusive relationships make the world go counter clockwise around the sun.
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Aries
(3/21-4/19)
By the power of the planets, your future career will be a middle school janitor. Youâve always had an aptitude for cleaning up poorly spelled vandalism. Â
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Taurus
(4/20-5/20)
You can be a star in my new documentary! Itâs called Horoscopes and the Idiots Who Read Them. In fact, youâre being filmed right now! Yes, that fly on the wall is actually a camera.
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Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
You will have strange dreams tonight about the Angry Sun from Super Mario Brothers 3. Your dream will also have chickens with the wings of angels. Itâs supposed to mean something mystical.
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Cancer
(6/22-7/22)
Good news! You have just been signed up to be a guest on Jersey Shore! Whatever you do, donât use the hot tub there.
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Leo
(7/23-8/22)
You could spend much of your day working on end of semester projects, but more likely youâll just end up watching reruns of Malcolm in the Middle.
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Virgo
(8/23-9/22)
If youâre single, you might want to join an online dating site. Iâm sure that person brandishing that knife in her or her profile photo is very trustworthy!
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Libra
(9/23-10/22)
Today, your home will be host to an anime club. Theyâll force you to watch Inuyasha all night long and make you choose your favourite pairing. You also have to fight to the death with the person that disagrees with your pairing of choice. Â
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Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
Have you been reading romance novels lately? Well, youâre going to be disappointed when you find out that real life has a lot less product placement.
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Sagittarius
(11/22-12/22)
You will earn a lot of money as a dance major if you work three shifts at Chuck E. Cheeseâs. You might want to keep hand sanitizer with you at all times.
*With files from Livia Turnbull.
