Live Wires

In an effort to provide you with better news coverage and put three writers out of work, The Other Press presents Live Wires, the best news stories from around the world that we could print for pennies on the dollar.

Edited By Liam Britten, Humour Editor

Canucks to trade Roberto Luongo and get new goalie everyone will hate

After this year’s disappointing early exit from the playoffs, Canucks GM Mike Gillis has identified the team’s already strong goaltending as the first problem to solve, and has already begun preparations to shop Roberto Luongo on the trade market. This will open up the team for a new goaltender—perhaps a free agent, perhaps star backup Cory Schneider—whom everyone will hate very soon and turn on once things get tough.

“We owe it to our fans to do a better job of finding a scapegoat they can blame for much larger problems with this team, including soft defence and flaky scoring skills,” said Gillis. “We look forward to the day when these fans, today demanding that we trade Luongo, tomorrow start demanding we trade Schneider once he has a three-game losing streak. It’s the Vancouver way.”

Luongo, putting the team before himself, has offered to waive the no-trade clause in his contract so the team can move him. Fans on the street are reportedly not happy with his performance in this regard either, and feel that Schneider would do a much better job of putting the team before himself.

—Canadian University (Under) Press(ure)

A&W reveals new ‘Dysfunctional Burger Family’ menu

A&W’s “Burger Family” is about to get a modern re-branding as the restaurant honours the collapse of the nuclear family with its “Dysfunctional Burger Family” line of meals.

Shoddily made, bitter-tasting and often soaked in cheap booze, these burgers will attempt to capture the essence of families spiralling out of control—in sandwich form.

“If you want an herbal flavour, we have our new Pothead Teen Burger. If you want something a little creamier, try our Alcoholic Mama Burger; we made sure she hit the sauce (of your choice) hard. And we’re especially proud of our Creepy Uncle Burger, that boasts a flavour that will haunt you for years after the fact,” the restaurant said in a press release.

The meals will be served with fries and sadness.

—Reuters Schmeuters 

Ownership of Sony Ericsson phone a microcosm for everything wrong with area man

The fact that in 2012, that’s right, twenty-freaking-twelve, Coquitlam resident Mike Kozlov still owns a Sony Ericsson phone, instead of a regular smartphone like regular people, pretty much sums up what’s wrong with the guy perfectly.

“The guy makes good money, he doesn’t have any crazy bills, yet he’s so cheap with his phone and shit,” said friend Craig Allen. “And the guy still uses a PC! What is this, 2003?”

Kozlov is known for always acting dumb about technology stuff, even though he should have a clue. He has a reputation for always playing it cool about cell phones, acting like he doesn’t need an iPhone or something, but everyone knows it’s totally an act.

“What’s wrong with this guy? Doesn’t he get that he’s totally being left in the dust by not having Internet connectivity on the go?” asked another friend, Ali Herar.

When asked for comment, Kozlov told The Other Press that “the Sony Ericsson W715 is still a good phone, and [he] doesn’t need too many bells and whistles.” God, what a loser. Get with it, man!