Appeased environmentalists win ‘moral victory’ over oil company
By Natalie Serafini, Assistant Editor
In what has been termed a “moral victory” by many, environmentalists have succeeded in convincing Enbridge to construct their pipeline out of biodegradable materials. The pipeline—which will traverse from the Alberta tar sands in Bruderheim to Kitimat in British Columbia and on to foreign markets—will be made out of a biodegradable plastic.
“This is what we’ve been fighting for. Obviously we would prefer if the pipeline wasn’t here at all, but within a year, it’ll be like it never was here,” said Golly Gee, a spokesperson for Oil Have None of That.
Where a traditional pipeline made of metal could take centuries to decompose, and even regular plastic could take 50-80 years, biodegradable plastics decompose into the environment within a year.
“This sets a precedent for pipelines to come. And as long as they’re coming, we might as well make them as environmentally friendly as possible,” continued Gee. “The plastic will be made out of recycled pop bottles, it will exist harmoniously with plants and animals while it’s sharing space in the environment, and it will decompose seamlessly into the habitat in a year—maybe even less, with BC’s fantastic fungi and rain!”
Enbridge initially seemed skeptical if not dumbfounded by the proposal, releasing a statement asking, “Are you serious?” Now the company has switched to supporting the initiative, agreeing to produce a biodegradable pipeline.
Asked why they would support the use of environmentally friendly material in this project, an Enbridge spokesperson said, “It’s cheap.”
Following Enbridge’s more recent commercial featuring chipmunks frolicking on the pipeline, naysayers have asserted that Enbridge must be after good press. Self-proclaimed cynic Paula Fastone, said, “It sounds too good to be true and, as a cynic, I don’t trust things that sound too good to be true.”
Regardless of intentions, environmentalists have been extremely supportive of Enbridge’s willingness to produce a non-pollutive pipeline.
