Awful Advice

With, Aunt Agony

It has come to my attention that the only font of helpful advice in this newspaper comes from a “psychic” who deals with unreliable sources. Horoscopes are considered to be fun little distractions, but you shouldn’t take them too seriously. That’s why, I, your dear Aunt Agony, have compiled together a list of questions that several people have sent me. I hope you’ll take my advice to heart, my dears.

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Dear Aunt Agony, 

I’m taking some summer classes at college, and I’m a little upset that I’m stuck in a classroom while other people are living it up at the beach. What can I do to make that feeling go away and my summer more enjoyable?

Sincerely,

Summer Schooled

Dear Summer,

Look at it this way, you’re a grown adult now. The experience of being stuck in a overheated classroom will prepare you for your days as an “official” adult where you sit in a overheated cubicle and do deskwork all day long. So cheer up! There’s so much monotony in life to look forward to!

Sincerely,

Aunt Agony.

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Dear Aunt Agony,

Are we safe from baby!? I know my girlfriend went out and bought the pill after the condom broke, but I don’t know! Help!?

Sincerely,

Possible Dad

Dear Possible,

The answer is no. No one can escape the wrath of “Baby” by Justin Bieber unless they get rid of their Internet connection.

Sincerely, Aunt Agony.

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Dear Aunt Agony,

Tell me something I probably don’t know! 

Sincerely,

Imperative Command

Dear Imperative,

Those textbooks collecting dust on your bookshelf might be a great source of new information.

Sincerely,

Aunt Agony.

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Dear Aunt Agony,

Look at you. Stealing my thunder. I’ll have you know that my facts are accurate and I do get rich quickly. Writing horoscopes is actually a very profitable line of work. It’s better than listening to so-called “advice” from a washed-up old crone.

Sincerely,

Prophet of the Planets.

Dear Prophet,

Who are you calling “washed-up?” Your horoscopes haven’t been accurate in years! You didn’t study the constellation charts at Advisor School and you certainly don’t now! I’ve read your so-called “Horoscopes” and to me, they seem like just an excuse to revel in people’s misery while laughing all the way to the bank. That is, you would be laughing all the way to the bank if you actually had a dime.

Sincerely,

Aunt Agony.

With files from Livia Turnbull