Entire workforce suddenly stops due to lack of interest

Illustration by Ed Appleby
Illustration by Ed Appleby

Eighteen million Canadians ‘just didn’t feel like working’

By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer

The entire economy of Canada collapsed upon the simultaneous discovery that no one else felt like going into work today, either.

“I woke up and it was just such a lovely day,” explained ICBC worker Ford Chrysler, who is, or was, responsible for overseeing car accident claims. “I decided all those people in chronic pain trying to claim their insurance payouts just to pay rent would have to wait.”

Ford proceeded to walk down the road to get some ice cream, only to find that nobody at the corner store was working either. Teenaged 7-Eleven employee I.C. Wiener was instead preoccupied at the beach sipping a six-pack of beer, similarly enjoying the sunny weather.

“I can do whatever I want on this beach! There aren’t any beach patrols or lifeguards around!” he proclaimed. Indeed, the people usually employed by the city to keep the beaches a safe place were so busy hitting the waves, lying in the sun, and being attacked by sharks that they had failed to provide others their essential services.

All across the nation, employees from all walks of life decided it just wasn’t worth clocking in today. Whether they worked in customer service, corporate business, health care, government, or specialization, the thoughts were unanimous: work can wait.

International reaction has ranged from admiration to sheer outrage, particularly in regard to the economic implications of the whole situation. Representatives from the prime minister’s office could not be reached for comment. The prime minister was last seen in Tofino taking a rip from a volcano bag and leading a yoga course.

Unintended consequences include—but are not limited to—a lack of teachers in schools to teach children, whose working parents (similarly taking the day off) ended up having to spend quality time with them instead.

“It was just horrible,” explained Priscilla Pear, mother of two. “I took my kids out in the sunshine and we played Frisbee before eating a picnic lunch. I kept thinking about how I could be spending time with my boyfriend, if only someone was doing do their job like they’re supposed to be!”

Pear is currently employed as a nurse at St. John’s Hospital, whose total lack of staff led to multiple missed meals, medication losses, and heart attacks amongst the patients. Many took the opportunity of the lack of security to enjoy the sunny day themselves. The escaped patients, including many from a psychiatric unit for the criminally insane, will be searched for as soon as the RCMP and other police departments decide to come back to work.

The stock market has collapsed, mass looting of stores has taken place, and crime rates have quintupled since the sudden loss of productivity. Reporters on the scene have decided to abandon their work as well, because the beach suddenly seemed like a very nice option.