Extra! Extra!

Breaking news: it’s raining

By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

Students, staff, and people on the street were shocked and horrified on Wednesday when a torrential climate event rocked the Coquitlam campus of Douglas College: lots of rain fell from the sky.

“It really is gruesome,” said second-year legal studies major, Annabelle Smart. “I straightened my hair this morning, and now all of that effort is gone. I’m so wet! Why is this happening to me?”

Onsite reports confirm the tragedy: at approximately 9 a.m., droplets of water began pouring from the sky. The water caused people to get wet, caused motorists to turn on their windshield wipers in disgust, and caused a total God damned panic.

“Rain? This is literally the worst thing that’s ever happened to me!” said an anonymous Douglas staff member.

Some of those subjected to the sky’s tears questioned the college’s apparent non-response to the event. “So, I’m just expected to park my car outside and walk in the rain to get to my classes? That seems like someone hasn’t taken the necessary precautions to ensure student safety,” said 19-year-old arts student Bob Britney.

When asked why he didn’t bring an umbrella to shield himself from the madness, Britney added: “An umbrella? Do I look like Rihanna to you? Coquitlam is a suburb of Vancouver—I shouldn’t be dealing with this shit.”

At press time, experts’ best guess as to the cause of the tragedy was simply “weather.”