Green Party sweeps election

New Green majority leads Canada into uncertain waters

By Mercedes Deutscher, News Editor

In a surprising twist during Monday’s election, Elizabeth May and the Green Party claimed a majority government, establishing the event as the most unexpected moment in the history of Canadian politics.

“I didn’t actually expect to get more than a couple of seats in the House of Commons,” said Prime Minister Elizabeth May, “what do I do?”

Heading into Election Day, the Liberal Party led in the polls, with the Conservative Party and NDP trailing close behind.

It proved an opportunity for the Green Party. Figuring that every Canadian and their dog was tired of hearing Trudeau, Harper, and Mulcair battle it out, May adapted a radical new slogan for her party.

“Not The Other Three Guys” took over social media within hours, with the hashtag #MayBePM gaining massive attention.

However, despite the Internet having a massive impact on Monday’s unexpected results, May still approaches the Internet with caution: “I heard from somewhere that the signals transmitted from Wi-Fi have the potential to be cancerous. As Prime Minister, it is of upmost importance to protect Canadian people from this risk.”

All Canadians can expect to receive their own complimentary roll of aluminum foil in the mail, along with simple instructions on how to construct their own hats with the foil.

As a result of the Green Party rising to power, all of Canada’s natural resources restored themselves within hours of the new government’s establishment. Air pollution has already reduced itself by 70 per cent.

In order to get some sort of say in federal policy, the Liberal, Conservative, and New Democratic parties have formed an unprecedented coalition.

“This election really showed us that we’ve spent so much time arguing amongst ourselves that we’ve lost touch of what Canada wants,” says Thomas Mulcair. “Perhaps Steve, JT, and I can bury the old hatchet. Get some beers. Try to rebuild together in order to defeat the Green Party.”

Even with the new coalition formed by the opposing three parties, the scale of the Green Party’s power is still much stronger.

So what is Canada’s future under a Green government?

“Debt. And lots of it!” explained Prime Minister May. “We have to pay for all of our election promises somehow. You didn’t expect us to pay for all those environmental and educational initiatives without running a massive deficit, did you?”

Prime Minister May looked away nervously and continued, “After all, all politicians honour their election promises, don’t they?”