How to look at the world like an emo

Everything has a depressing side—you’ve just gotta look for it!
By Richard Dick, Senior Columnist

Self-help books, gurus, and “life guides” will all indoctrinate you into believing that a positive outlook on life is essential. I am here to naysay all of those tutti-fruity positive psychology pushing nerds and encourage you to live your life like the true emo punk you are. As the famous old adage goes, “Life sucks, and then you die.” Here are a few totally emo perspectives on some of the “positives” in life.

Cotton candy

Life is just as utterly ephemeral as this sweet treat.

Puppies

Ever wonder why puppies are so cute and happy? It’s because they’re compensating for their existential dread. Just look deep into the eyes of a puppy—totally empty.

Sunshine

Slowly working to kill you. (Wear sunscreen, kids.)

Rainbows

An optical illusion, just like all other forms of joy in life.

Babies

A mortal trapped in the fleshy and weak prison it lives within—incapable of communication. Just screams—LOTS of screams. It also sits in its own poopoo.

True love

Break-up or die—and those are your only options.


Making love

Reverse cowboy will break your dick.


Achieving enlightenment

Where else are you supposed to go from there?