How to simulate in-person classes

Being a camgirl would offer more educational value than this
By Richard Dick, Contributor

Online classes are like regular classes in the way that they cost the same… but they’re a complete shitshow with nothing in common otherwise. Children who blow their noses freestyle into the atmosphere are allowed to congregate for school; yet you, an adult who is paying for their classes to a business, aren’t afforded the same quality of education that toddler learning shapes is. So, if you are yearning for the experience of an in-person class, this handy guide will offer some suggestions in getting it back.

How to be a teacher’s pet

Since there is no front row of the class where you can gaze lovingly into the professor’s eyes and constantly ask questions filled with jargon and key terms to show off your knowledge—you’ll have to find another way to kiss that prof’s ass. Something I’ve noticed is that no one ever wants to turn on their webcam or audio first at the beginning of class, so if you’d like your prof to know that you’re a overeager show dog looking for approval, be the first person to show your webcam.

How to be late for class

Now that your classes are at home, teachers say that there is “no way to be late for class.” I challenge that notion. Set yourself an alarm for one minute before class. Set up your learning station on a new computer that you’ve never been on before. Commute out to a computer where you will do your online classes. If there is a will, there is always a way to be late.

How to fall asleep in class

This is an exciting one. Classrooms can be so warm, and the prof’s voice can be so mundane—creating the perfect environment for a life-changing nap. Inevitably, students fall asleep to the sweet lullaby of education—but when you’re at home, you can literally sleep in your own bed! Make sure to leave your microphone unmuted so you can experience the harrowing shame of a group of strangers hearing you sleep with your mouth open. Bonus points if you’re an international student and you’re doing your class at 3 AM.