Thousands die in adorable yet brutal civil war
By Liam Britten, Senior Fuzzy-Wuzzy Correspondent
The landlocked African nation of Chad has been wracked by civil wars, coups dâĂ©tat, and rebellions for the better part of its 52-year existence. However, stability may have been achieved, albeit with a heavy and still unknown cost, as a mysterious new rebel leader has claimed victory over the government and declared himself President.
So what do we know of this charismatic figure, other than he is said to torture enemies in brutal ways? He is believed to have previously killed family members and former friends on a whim. As well, he is said to have established secret death camps to punish all those who disobey his tyrannical laws.
Or, maybe itâs for those who disobey his tyrannical paws?
Thatâs right: this dictator is no ordinary strongman; heâs actually a strong-cat! Formerly a content housecat named Whiskers, âChairman Meow,â as heâs now known, is the cuddly little despot who could. After using his personal magnetism and adorable snuggling ability to take charge of a group of narcoterrorists, heâs been leading a campaign of unbridled, cuddly terror upon the desperate people of Chad.
After seizing the capital city of N’Djamena on Thursday in the cutest little street-to-street carnage youâve ever seen, Chairman Meow declared martial lawâor maybe he declared martial claw! Regardless, the Red Cross believes over 500 people were executed that day by his death squads. The Chairman has gripped Chad like no other tyrant has been able to in years, and appears to have finally filled the power vacuumâhey, maybe now heâll outlaw actual vacuums!
The Chairman is said to be intensely paranoid, and only appears in front of a small inner circle of advisors, or anyone who rattles a bag of Temptations in front of him. The new Minister of Information, Mahamat HabrĂ©, is the public face of the regime, and he gave The Other Press some insight into the Chairmanâs fluffy little mindset.
âThe General is very tired at the moment. He has just led us in glorious battle, and now must sleep for about 20 hours a day, up from his usual 16,â he said in a phone interview. âThe General is doing this not only for the people of Chad, but also for another cause: raising funds for the peaceful SPCA. Yes, he supports the peaceful Syndicate for Poisoning Communist Activists very much.â
The Chairman has already begun diplomatic efforts, reaching out to other pariah nations in an attempt to build international trade. He was seen rubbing against the leg of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, leading to speculation that the Islamic Republic may be supplying arms to Chad. He has solidified peace on Chadâs southern border by offering President François BozizĂ© of the Central African Republic a dead sparrow as tribute.
International observers fear that while the humanitarian crisis is appalling, the greater tragedy may be the international journalism communityâs inability to write a story about the Chairman without making adorable cat puns. This is certainly a challenge for many correspondents, as the general is just so darn cute!
As of press time, ethnic violence remains widespread and merciless. Dâawww!