Music for International Single Awareness Day

A playlist for post-nut clarity
By Richard Dick, Senior Columnist

There are SO many options if you want to depress yourself with Dolly’s perfect voice.

Nothing like a little Valentine’s Day to remind you that, globally, everyone is hitting it. No big deal though! You and your hand—or your vibrator (affectionately named Señor Edwardo Ricardo Vibrato)—have the night to yourselves. And while everyone and their mom is preaching the benefits of this specific type of “self care,” we all know that masturbation isn’t always a pretty sight. Post-nut clarity hits hard sometimes—and can be especially nasty when you’ve defiled yourself with some particularly appalling stimulation materials. In celebration of International Single Awareness Day, here is a playlist to ponder when your mind’s inner eye has been opened (and your porn tabs have been closed).

“Here You Come Again” by Dolly Parton

Dolly offers many songs that fit in that classic “tragic but beautiful” genre—and this might just be exactly what you’re looking for. There are SO many options if you want to depress yourself with Dolly’s perfect voice, but this classic is undeniable. This song is all about the singer working hard to fix her life, and then her ex comes in her life again so she can’t help but throw it all away for him. Sometimes you just got to let Dolly sing her woes to you.

“Veridis Quo” by Daft Punk off the album Discovery

The perfect repetitive music to stare out the window while listening to. A lot of Discovery’s songs are very calming with their slow, pleasant, and smooth tones. “Voyager” is another great example of this. This album easily serves as the ideal backdrop for some meaningful thought. 

“I’ll Be Your Woman” by St. Paul and The Broken Bones

Another boohoo song to add to your “I’m sad” playlist. The soul band St. Paul and The Broken Bones features vocals by the stupefying talent Paul Janeway. This dude can scream. Other great songs by this band to cry to include “Waves,” “LivWithoutU,” “Tears in the Diamond,” and “Convex.”

“Lonely” by Akon

Remember this absolute bop? Time to let Mr. Lonely, also known as the hit musician Akon, speak to the woes in your heart. (This was also the first song that launched icon Akon to fame. Thank god for this 2005 song.)    

“Fuck You” by CeeLo Green

Maybe you’ve recently left a crap relationship and you’re celebrating being alone instead of mourning? “Fuck You” by CeeLo Green is the only song you need on your playlist.