Royal Canadian Mint to create new coin

Toonies’ little sibling the ‘tweenie’ coming to circulation this fall

By Keating Smith, Money Bags

The Honourable Minister of Finance Jim Flaherty announced early last week that the Royal Canadian Mint will be creating a new monetary denomination for Canada coined as the “tweenie.” Using all the pennies collected by financial institutions across the nation, the Royal Canadian Mint in Ottawa will simply tack weld the pennies together in order to create the new coin. Criticism from Elizabeth May was heard earlier last week in the House of Commons, calling the new coin “sexist” due to its Euclidean geometric shape resembling the outline of two breasts. NDP’s Thomas Mulcair cited the new coin as a resemblance of a Moose’s scrotum due to its brown colour, indirectly supporting May’s argument in the House of Commons.

“This is just another one of Prime Minister Stephen Harper’s misogynistic ploys he is using on Canadians, only this time it involves a coin his party has deemed detrimental to the Canadian economy,” said May in an exclusive interview with The Other Press. The new coin is rumored to have a design that incorporates every aspect that defines Canadian culture as it is today. The themes slated to be included on the new coin include failed environmental policies, aging-military infrastructure, foreign ownership of natural resources, and Harper’s face replacing that of Queen Elizabeth II on the back.

This isn’t the first time Canada’s denominations have faced criticism recently. The country’s new polymer bills have been faced with a multitude of problems from jamming ATM machines to melting in prolonged exposure to sunlight. Older Canadians may also recall the trend many indulged in when the two-dollar toonie coin was released during the mid ‘90s where people attempted to remove the middle section of the coin by any means possible.

“The tweenie is just another innovative way of keeping Canada’s economy strong during a global recession and we cannot let millions of dollars in zinc and copper go to waste,” said Harper.

Harper’s initial plan was to drop all remaining pennies collected in the country off of the iconic CN tower in Toronto to determine whether they would make an impact on objects or the pavement below the 553-meter tower.

Yet another guaranteed wallet wrecker, the tweenie is slated to enter circulation towards the end of the year.