Tip: Run directly through the hedges
By Isabelle Orr, Contributor
Were any of you wondering where I went? Well, after I was hit by the 99 B-Line, my body was cryogenically frozen and placed in a deep freezer under Red Gate, as per my Last Will and Testament. Unfortunately, due to Halloween, my soul was dragged out of Hell and forced to come back and write for the Other Press. But fear not, readers! My naturally straight teeth, blonde, equally straight hair, and five-foot-nine rail-thin body are all perfectly fine and untouched by the ruins of death. Looking for a fun autumn activity to take a Tinder date on? With a corn maze, you have the added benefits of smooching in secret, seeing how well you can work together towards a common goal, and fleeing in terror from an unknown threat that is hungry for blood.
Chainsaw man
Like many others before him, this guy carries the weight of toxic masculinity, a lack of empathy, and the knowledge that he and his father won’t ever have the relationship either of them really needs. Unlike many other people, this guy also has a chainsaw. Nothing bonds a couple faster than hiding from a dude wearing another dude’s face, so make sure you squeeze in some quality time with your sweetie before being turned into pumpkin puree.
Scary twins
Even regular twins give most people the creeps, so weird little glowing girl twins are twice as bad. Something freaky happened to these two Victorian girls— it was probably something tragic, interesting, and related to the Great Depression, but who really wants to stick around to find out? Whatever is was, it’s made them thirsty for human blood. On this plus side, this opens up a discussion with your date about whether or not either of you want kids!
Unseen presence
Something’s chasing you, but you’re not sure what! The ghosts of relationships past, and the subconscious fear that just like the other ones, you’ll mess this up too? Nope! It’s probably a ghost or alien or something. But don’t worry, even though you can’t see it, it’s definitely there—like sexual hang-ups or an avoidant attachment style. This is good preparation for your future relationship; will you face your problems head-on, or will you ignore them until they literally kill you? The choice is yours!
