Vancouver temperature soars to scorching, death-inducing levels

Latest heat wave proves fatal to all life

By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer

Thanks to a combination of natural weather cycles, human-induced climate change, and failed promises by municipal governments, the latest temperature across the Lower Mainland has broken all records. The most recent weather forecast has called for a heat wave reaching in excess of 100 degrees Celsius—effectively killing off all tourism, business, and life in the city.

Reactions to the comically high predictions have ranged from disbelief to pure joy. While many citizens are excited about finally avoiding the biblically predicted torrential rains that plague the city nine months a year, others are slightly more concerned. Side effects of the scorching fires have so far included a crop blight affecting the entire continent, souped-up cars racing across the wasteland once known as “Kitsilano,” and a massive drop in blanket and space heater sales.

The heat wave reaching its peak just after Canada Day has been interpreted in many different ways. Some argue it was deliberately planned to drum up business for the finale of the FIFA Women’s World Cup. Others have argued a playing field devoid of grass and sentient life is hardly effective for a fan turnout. Indeed, BC Place was almost deserted for the final, and many questioned the decision to keep the roof open, which exposed the stadium to fire-inducing ultraviolet waves.

On the other hand, many craft breweries across the city are experiencing a massive increase in business. “People enjoy their beer to cool off. Heat waves ensure a tastier experience and the lack of available water and barley has allowed us to lower our prices by 10 per cent, so … aaaaaagh,” explained local brewmaster/hipster Curly McLachlan, shortly before collapsing from massive heat stroke and dehydration.

Although most sane Vancouverites have either fled the city long ago or been evacuated by the National Guard, many of the less-competent citizens have remained, attempting to survive in the barren desert.

At press time, residents of Commercial Drive could be found sitting in what was once known as a park, sipping evaporated cans of beer, and attempting to burn narcotic leaves, further shortening their already at-risk lifespan.

“It’s not that bad, man. Get out in the sunshine. Better than the safe weather we usually get,” said one citizen, before being attacked by a feral tribe of children for the last remaining bundle of kale in the province.