100 per cent of people hate this city
By Cazzy Lewchuk, Staff Writer
The small, quaint town of Vancouver, BC—globally highlighted for its Olympics hosting, film tax credits, and natural beauty—has been designated in a recent poll as “Literally Hell.” A full 100 per cent of Vancouverites who voted in the poll regarded this city as “just the worst place ever,” “a cesspool of TransLink and filth,” “an absolutely ridiculous place full of Vancouverites,” and several other colourful comments not suitable for publication.
“People love to hate this city,” explained Mayor Cregor Brobertson from his $3-million basement suite in the Downtown Eastside. “Frankly, I can sort of understand the outcry involving rent prices, lack of industry, and bad infrastructure—but hey, how about them Canucks?” Upon being reminded Vancouver’s only interesting mediocre sports team had been eliminated from the playoffs, Brobertson shook his head softly and inhaled deeply.
Critics of the poll argue it was skewed because it questioned only residents of Vancouver and not the rest of Canada. When asked about Vancouver’s livability status, Canadians replied with comments like “Where? Never heard of it.” “The dudes in Washington?” and “That place is just an urban legend.” Even Prime Minister Stephen Brarper questioned Vancouver’s status of being a “real city” and suggested it was actually just a tax write-off for the federal government.
Efforts to fix Vancouver’s status have been met with large opposition by the municipal and provincial governments, as well as the citizens themselves.
“If we didn’t hate living here, what would be the point?” asked coffee shop owner and local hipster Gary Vu Woodlands. “I’m pretty sure we all like the status quo, confirmation bias, and inherent racism that lead to this city being declared Hell.”
The most recent effort to make Vancouver a tolerable place involved a longterm sustainable environmentally friendly transit plan that would bring Vancouver into the 21st century and give world-class public infrastructure. This plan was shot down by residents through Facebook campaigning due to a combination of concerns about actually funding a transit company to suck less and paranoia of actually planning for the future.
“Of course, it could be worse,” suggested downtown resident Tim Pattison. “Living in Vancouver is pretty bad, but at least we don’t live in Abbotsford, or any other place in BC.”
Indeed, Vancouver continues to be the #1 desirable place to live in British Columbia and #100 most desirable Canadian destination.
