Registries for the rest of us

Things people should have to give you special gifts for

By Sharon Miki, Humour Editor

Lately it seems that everywhere I go (and by go, I mean Facebook), someone is getting engaged, or married, or having a baby. While I totally celebrate the accomplishments/milestones of my friends/Facebook friends, I am also seriously jealous of the big, important thing that comes along with a significant milestone like a marriage or birth: gift registries. So, for those of us who are unmarried and childless, I propose the following life milestones that should warrant a trip to the Bay, or Home Outfitters, or whatever. Just in case, I am already registered everywhere!

Semester graduation—Hey, it’s been a tough four months. Help take the sting out of a gruelling semester for your loved ones by providing them with a new sheet set.

First firing—Being fired is a true rite of passage. And, since you will then be unemployed, you’ll totally appreciate the new stuff.

Dumping by text—I actually think that both the dumper and dumpee should register in the case of this modern event. Both of you deserve new smartphones, because you should smash the ones that were used in the breakup.

Menarche—You could totally register at Claire’s for this. After all, you have like 30 years of pain and bloodshed to look forward to—why not get some sparkly headbands out of it?

23rd Birthday—This is a really special birthday and deserves extra recognition. It’s like, 21 is the last real fun milestone age, and then 22 is when you think, “Wow, it’s been a year since my last milestone!” Your 23rd birthday is the birthday when you realize there’s nothing left to look forward to. Register at the liquor store.

Selling something on Craigslist—Successfully selling something on Craigslist is totally hard; celebrate by having your friends buy you more sort-of-useless stuff that you will inevitably have to sell online in a year or so.

Passing your L test—The freedom of the open road is a reward in itself, but you should also be actually rewarded. Maybe a nice gravy boat will mark the occasion?