Pizza delivery to receive official sirens

Illustration by Ed Appleby
Illustration by Ed Appleby

New law in the works to speed up the ‘zas

By Chandler Walter, Distribution Manager

An exciting new law is in the works as of this week, one that many agree has been a long time coming.

BC’s provincial courts have passed a bill legitimizing the need for quick pizza delivery to the same level as that of fire-response, ambulances, and police vehicles.

“Emergency Response Pizza Vehicles,” or ERPVs, will soon be outfitted with sirens and lights similar to those that we see on police cruisers. We talked to Papp A. Johnson, a local police officer.

“Yeah I’m a big supporter of this new law. It’s gonna be great to see those kids out there, lights flashing, getting that pizza where it needs to be. Plus, driving with sirens? Hella wicked. Don’t gotta stop for no one.”

The pizza sirens will be of a different pitch than what we are used to, making a low “MREEEEEHH!!-MREEEHH!!!” noise as they notify daily commuters to slow down and move over.

“I’m all for it,” says daily driver and mother of three, Cheryn Burgs. “I get stressed out enough being stuck in traffic for a few hours a day, I can only imagine the suffering those poor delivery drivers go through. They truly are heroes to us all, and I know everyone in the community is in agreement that this law should pass.”

Along with traffic-halting sirens, pizza delivery vehicles will also have the option of outfitting 1.21 gigawatt searchlights on the tops of their vehicles. Though the light would be bright enough to momentarily blind oncoming traffic, finding house addresses is a crucial part of the delivery person’s duty.

We were lucky enough to talk to an off-duty Pizza Delivery Boy, Chaunce Waller, and ask him a few questions regarding his line of work.

“First off, kid, a PDB is never off-duty, this work is never over. And B, it’s about damn time we got some recognition from the government. We’re doing God’s work out here. This is the fifth-most dangerous career in America, according to a tweet I read on the Internet. In fact I almost hit some lady the other day, she could have gone right through the windshield, I might’ve been severely bruised! Maybe even emotionally traumatized, from all the manslaughter and whatever. But the people … the people of this town need to be fed, and their pizzas … Need to be somewhat warm. I do the best I can, I really do. You’re welcome. God bless.”

We managed to secure a quick signature from Waller right before he performed a hood slide and climbed through the window of what appeared to be a 1997 Ford Escort.

Off to answer a call to greatness, it seemed.

After a while it was evident that Waller actively lived in that Ford Escort, as a great man puts his duty, career, and customers before himself.

Truly an inspiration.