Justin Bieber reluctantly goes to college

Teen pop star says ’really famous people don’t need to be smart’

By Livia Turnbull, Bratty Celebrity Gossip

While September marks the return to school for students everywhere, there’ll be a familiar face joining the ranks of college freshmen this year. Citing Justin Bieber’s recent wanes in popularity as a major factor, combined with his increasing mental instability, the pop star’s managers have decided to enroll Bieber in post-secondary education.

Though Bieber has enough money to sustain him for the rest of his life, his managers believe that he would benefit from learning about something outside of the world of fame. “I think it’s a great idea that Justin’s going to college,” says Kenny Hamilton, Bieber’s bodyguard and close friend. “If he ever wants to learn how to write his own songs, he’d better learn that not all music is about girls and shopping malls. Still, I worry that he’ll get laughed at when he tells people that he’s the Kurt Cobain of this generation.”

Bieber, however, feels differently about the big change in his life. “I don’t know about going to college. I might learn some disturbing facts, like how many people hate the idea that I’m a star. Still, at least going to college is better than getting a part-time job.”

Before going to college was considered, Bieber’s managers paid a local McDonald’s to hire him as a grill worker. The aim was to get Bieber to see life through the eyes of a normal 18-year-old. Neither Bieber nor his coworkers were happy with the idea though.

“He kept singing ‘Baby‘ all throughout his shift,” says Dan Greenfield, a McDonald’s employee. “Only his voice was too deep for the song, so he had to screech the words. It gave everybody migraines.”

Greenfield recalled another incident where he overheard Bieber talking to the manger after his first day of work. “Justin said that he didn’t want to work at the grill because it was insulting to his heritage. He said that he came from a long line of teen pop stars and they didn’t do this kind of stuff.”

It was at this point that Bieber’s managers realized that the teen sensation was clearly delusional, so they pulled him out of McDonald’s and put him in college.

As for what courses Bieber will be taking this fall, it has been confirmed that he’s taking two music courses, one philosophy course, and one math course. “We had to fight to get Bieber to take math,” says Hamilton, “He kept going on about how math was against his religious principles.”