New year, new me

Woman breaks record for most New Year’s resolutions

By Chandler Walter, Humour Editor

Olive Sommers woke up early on January 1, at the start of what would be a record breaking day of resolutions. During a drunken rant late the night before, Sommers vowed to uphold a grand total of 52 New Year’s resolutions this year, to make up for the failures of all her resolutions in the years prior.

Like many ambitious people at the turn of the new year, Sommers has taken a look at her life in 2015 and found changes she would like to make on the trivial date of January 1. Gyms will be filled to bursting, and McDonald’s will be a desolate wasteland for at least the first few weeks of January, until the weak-willed cave and the strong persevere.

Sommers has gained worldwide attention from media and resolution hopefuls alike, and the Other Press was lucky enough to get an interview. “I just really feel I have the determination and willpower to keep up with all the things I promised myself I would do,” Sommers stated in an interview. She has covered all resolution grounds, swearing off alcohol, carbs, sugars, and meats. Sommers has vowed to manage her time better by waking up early, going to the gym for an hour, meditating, painting, reading, interpretive dancing, hula hooping, and making time for her friends every day.

Sommers has also begun a three-week juice cleanse, one that she says she “will definitely stick to, this time.” A few of Sommers’ other, more specific resolutions include never talking to that dirt bag Steve ever again, finally finishing a metro newspaper crossword, and posting at least one inspirational Instagram selfie a day.

From what has been seen, Sommers seems to be on a good start to her 365-day commitment, drinking nothing but a beet juice smoothie loaded with vitamins, before taking off to start her workout at her local gym. According to Sommers, she has spent upwards of $5,000 on 12 months’ worth of gym membership, vitamins, protein powder, and “super cute workout gear.” How she will keep up working 40+ hours at Starbucks with all of these new hobbies is still to be determined, but we wish Sommers the best of luck in the next few days of her earnest, yet ultimately futile, efforts.