Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
Today, I learned that blowing up a paper bag can have major consequences, especially if that act is done while in a retirement home. I figure I should give you this advice in case you ever wanted to avoid civil lawsuits.
Aquarius
(1/20-2/18)
It’s time to put your plan into action. Unfortunately, your plan is to procrastinate.
Pisces
(2/19-3/20)
Your poetic soul cries/For food, but you’ve been told that/There’s no wealth in poems.
Aries
(3/21-4/19)
You can charm the birds off the trees and send them flying into your reflection with your smile. In fact, with a smile like yours, your old rival will stopping arguing and bow down to you. Your next goal is to become the ruler of the world.
Taurus
(4/20-5/20)
Today, the news article about a horrific train wreck will send you into fits of maniacal laughter, much to the bewilderment of passersby.
Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
It’s time to pay off those bills. I guess you need to start digging through piles of papers to decide which “story” to send to a publisher.
Cancer
(6/22-7/22)
You have to lay down the law today. Otherwise, people will continue to not take you seriously in that cop uniform you borrowed from The Village People.
Leo
(7/23-8/22)
You may be all that and a bag of chips, but people have long since stopped caring about trying to help you with every little problem. Nobody really cares about who got voted off American Idol last night.
Virgo
(8/23-9/22)
You have untapped depths of talent. The question is: what is your talent? It certainly isn’t schoolwork.
Libra
(9/23-10/22)
Today’s big conflict isn’t going to resolve itself. No, you need to roll up your sleeves, grit your teeth, and at least try to do your housework.
Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
You can’t handle the polarization of the Earth, so you build a space shuttle and fly to the moon. However, you only pack one extra oxygen tank and your first one is already running low.
Sagittarius
(11/22-12/21)
Even if your friend’s new business seems ridiculous, just remember that most people around you don’t get paid to dress up in a lion suit.
With files from Livia Turnbull