Capricorn
(12/22-1/19)
Communication is clear today, so now would be a good time to get the word out about the health benefits of an all-bacon diet.Â
Aquarius
(1/20-2/18)
Donât let your fear of failure or doubts of success hold you back! Youâre just going to be average anyway, so try your best at mediocrity!
Pisces
(2/19-3/20)
Powerful thoughts are transforming your brain. However, donât be afraid of these thoughts that are taking control. Instead, just go outside during a thunderstorm, hold a sword aloft and shout âI HAVE THE POWER!â Iâm sure something cool will happen! Â
Aries
(3/21-4/19)
Information today might be unreliable, but this Perfectly Legitimate and True Horoscope isnât! Today, youâll be traveling to Switzerland to go on a penguin safari!
Taurus
(4/20-5/20)
Be careful about being manipulated by people today. Thatâs why I wrote a commercial, which is the least manipulative thing of all! Manipulation is really bad/But this horoscope is really rad/Tell all your friends and if theyâre keen/Iâll maybe make some extra green.
Gemini
(5/21-6/21)
Information can cause you to get all riled up today, but the most important thing to do is to stay calm. For example, when I received word about the arsonist in the Apple storeâwhich may or may not have been meâI remained calm while I put the court order in the shredder.
Cancer
(6/22-7/22)
Words have power today, so now would be a good time to tell the police about the arson you just committed while you were…dreaming.Â
Leo
(7/23-8/22)
The answers are not clear today, so you might want to avoid anything to do with motors. Also, donât go on Highway 1 unless you want to see a 20-car pileup.
Virgo
(8/23-9/22)
Your answers are quite clear today, although the knowledge that you will be hit by a Smart car will cause you some grief.
Libra
(9/23-10/22)
Trust people today. After all, someone you know could have the antidote to the poison that takes 24 hours to kick in, that just happens to be running through your veins. Good luck!
Scorpio
(10/23-11/21)
A short trip might be good for you today. The trip will help get rid of any midterm stresses you might be having. One destination I recommend is the grocery storeâby the way, youâre out of food.
Sagittarius
(11/22-12/21)
Your mind is full of ideas today, so go ahead! Let the words flow! That dinosaur opera wonât write itself and you also need to work on that film noir about crows.
With files from Livia Turnbull
