Canadian Geese proven to absorb the repressed rage of the Canadian public

Findings provide an explanation for geese’s foul temper

By Rebecca Peterson, Staff Writer

As fall sweeps through the country, many feathered citizens are driven south for the winter, and the air is filled once again with the malcontented bleating of the horrific hell-beasts we have embraced as an iconic representative of our mild-mannered nation. As Canadians nurse wounds garnered by these creatures over the summer and bid them a hearty farewell, one question remains: why are Canadian Geese so angry?

The answer? It might actually be our fault.

“Canadians are, by nature, non-confrontational,” scientist Fred Ucktheis explained to the Other Press during an exclusive interview. “We’re more likely to apologize for something someone does to us, than we are likely to try to call them out on it. However, what we fail to take into account is that all that excess energy has to go somewhere. Unfortunately, it seems geese have a sensitivity to negative emotions, and they reflect it in their behaviour.”

As part of his studies, Dr. Ucktheis observed geese behaviour around common areas of hidden aggression—crowded parking lots, for example, as well as restaurants with absurdly long waiting times. While the Canadians themselves seemed relatively calm, treating one another with respect and civility, the geese were easily agitated and aggressive, outright attacking anyone unlucky enough to fall within their line of sight.

“If Canadians were more open with their emotions, less eager to push that anger aside, we might see an entirely different attitude in these geese,” Dr. Ucktheis concluded. “With conflicts being resolved more openly and honestly, less negative energy would be released into the wild for unsuspecting geese to absorb into their pathos.”

It should be noted that there are no studies as of yet to see if situations of outright aggression result in calmer geese, but Dr. Ucktheis has heard that in the days following the tumultuous Stanley Cup riot of 2011, there was a sharp statistical decline in hospitalizations for geese-related injuries.